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user name: nick
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[chrisisofaith]

he's so aggressively full of the life he wants to live and the person he is he jumps and then checks to see how bad the falls going to be he's a fucking moron

but he looks at me like i matter, like i'm the only person in the room and i know that's not true, i know he's in love with someone else whole-heartedly, but i'm an idiot so here we are having this conversation

[extent]

you cant get that from someone who loves you back?

[chrisisofaith]

maybe. sure, if that person existed
i'm not actually with anyone nick, not like that. plenty i fool around with or play with, but not more.

[extent]

is that how you want it?

[chrisisofaith]

no

there's someone else, but the other person i love does love me back but can't be with me cause he has a jealous boyfriend

which is stupid to be upset about cause i can give him whatever i'd give him anyway without the title so no harm.

i just have shit luck and bad taste in men

[extent]

thats not stupid to be upset about
like titles are just titles sure but theres no point pretending like words dont mean anything

both of these situations suck, and it's not fair. you deserve more, its not stupid to be upset about it

[chrisisofaith]

yeah
i guess i can't argue that, as a politician, words absolutely matter
just feels silly when it's personal
but thank you
if i ever find someone who loves me back we'll see, but last one left long ago

anyway you want to talk about what you're gonna do to apologize to the people you love for hiding from them?

[extent]

i dont know
you dont strike me as hard to love, i dont think you'd struggle that much if you looked for it

i thought we were talking about you
idk how i even start fixing something like this

[chrisisofaith]

i'm not not looking for it, but we already talked about the bad boyfriend thing

also we're turning back to you cause i don't know what to do with this line of questioning
you could ask. listen to them when they tell you

[extent]

idk sounds like at least a little bit of you wants it

just "dont do it again" is too big
its all anyone asks but like what does that even mean. don't ever hide anything again? don't make deals w a psychopath and keep it to myself? don't ever tell a lie?

time, and not fucking up again, and theres not really any magic fix but im better at like
a list

[chrisisofaith]

i want the connection and the chance to be me, i just don't want to disappoint anyone

you need to ask them that. they should be specific about what they need.
i'd ask for no deals with psychopaths and certainly no hiding an issue with one, but that's me

[extent]

you deserve the kind of love you want

'hi i know i fucked up wildly and you owe me nothing but can i please have an itemised list of how to make it up to you because i dont think i can grapple with something as simple as 'don't lie to me anymore'

i'm sure it'll go down fantastically

[chrisisofaith]

you're as much a sap as caleb

don't be a prick. 'hey i know i fucked up wildly and you owe me nothing, but i'd like to ask for patience and a chance to make it right. please tell me where to start, this is difficult for me and i'll need to take it piece by piece, so if you could give me one piece to start, i'd appreciate it.'

you're welcome

[extent]

just telling it as i see it

i'm pretty sure if i was a better person i'd leave. let people heal without having to deal with me getting over everything on top of that.

[chrisisofaith]

your people love you. they want to heal with you, not in spite of you.

[extent]

if you love someone and they hurt you, you' be well within your rights to deal with your own hurt and not their boatload of problems

[chrisisofaith]

you would
if that's what they want, you respect that
i repeat
have
you
asked
them

[extent]

not really

i'm going to

[chrisisofaith]

good. gotta start somewhere.

listen. you didn't hurt me any and i know i'm not them, but i'm here for you too, as you need. you're one of my people. i'm in your corner.

[extent]

its like

it means a lot. i appreciate it. i'm like
i don't know. things are hard rn

[chrisisofaith]

i know and likely will be for a while
don’t sink under
don’t lose yourself
come up for air or ask for distractions or godsforbid help
but there are rafts in the water for you, lovely

[extent]

i think
sometimes

i think im already sunk and everyones fighting a losing battle trying to get me back
sometimes it feels too late

[chrisisofaith]

yeah?

alright
do you like it down there?

[extent]

not really

but sometimes a lost cause is just a lost cause

[chrisisofaith]

i have good news for you
not wanting to be down there means you’re not a lost cause

start swimming up nicky
i’ve even got a spell for walking on water, so ill meet you there

i’m as stubborn as you are sad, so try me on this