extent | duplicitynet

[ he thinks about making a joke of it, but the truth is there's a kind of security that comes with arms — and wings wrapped around him like this, that he doesn't want to make light of.

nick tucks his face in at chris's neck, exhales in a very slow, careful and deliberate kind of way. the kind of breath that doesn't shake at all, not even a little bit. when nick speaks he doesn't pull away, even if the words end up muffled. ]

I don't think I'm a good person. I think I've just tricked everyone into thinking it.

[This feels familiar. A month ago, he’d told Nate nearly the same thing while standing on the theatre’s roof instead of nearly his own. He pulls that certainty to his voice that their friend had so confidently used with him.]

You’re not a bad person, Nicky. You’re no saint and you fuck up because people fuck up, but the fact you care whether you’re a bad person or not means there’s good enough in you to be seen. Other’s have seen it. I see it. Even if you don’t trust yourself with it.

[He shifts only so one of his hands can reach up into Nick’s hair.]

Would you like a list?

[ he doesn't want to be convinced, he wants to keep wallowing in the awful picture he has over himself, thumbing over it like a bruise until it stops hurting quite so much. he doesn't want to hear a counter-argument--except for the part where he absolutely, desperately does. ]

I don't know.

[ his arms tighten where they're wrapped around chris in kind. he's clinging, really, and it's the sort of display that will probably be very embarrassing for nick down the line, but right now he's just too wrung out to care. ]

I might've just convinced you too.

[The cling might get to him later, it might not. It was hard to tell, the more emotionally messy the situation. Right now, it didn't matter how he felt, even if that stir rose up in him, the tingle in his limbs that always made him want to panic and pull away, he could shove it down and ignore it. For now, he focuses on keeping Nick pressed as close as possible between arms and wings and running his fingers softly through his hair.]

You think? I admit, I'd be fairly impressed if you did. I'm a decent judge of character in most cases. I'm gonna make you a list anyway, my face is too far above yours to stop me.

[He turns his face to kiss the top of Nick's head to prove it, but then turns his cheek to his hair again.]

You're not a bad person cause you fuss so much over every single plant I've seen and heard you have, you care more about their wellbeing than your own. Same goes for those little creature things you dote on. They'd be termed monsters in my world, but you put your heart in every one of them and they flourish, how could a thing with a bad heart give it and make things better?

I've seen how Nick and Caleb look at you, their eyes bright and joy in their smiles. You can't trick a person to love that deeply for this long and it's disservice to their feelings to think you might have. You make them happy and I can only imagine it's same for the rest of yours.

When you've got an idea in you, you practically vibrate for it, you want so desperately to reach out and change the world around you, to shape it into something better, more beautiful...there's plenty of evil in my world, from gods to monsters to people, and none of them see beauty or pure love or a world worth changing for the better. So, no, I don't think you're a bad person, Nick Ó Broin. Just a confused and hurt one. A messy as fuck one...so fine, all told.

[ nick is determined not to cry, because despite very much not being a crier he's doing an awful lot of it lately, and also because it's just a very embarrassing affair in general. it's just a hard thing to fight, when he's already so cracked open--fragile, really, even if the thought makes his skin crawl--and someone is trying so very hard to show just how much he sees nick.

somewhere along the way there's a hiccupping sort of sound, a shuddering sort of breath. his chest aches with the effort of holding back that flood, and for nothing because his face ends up wet with tears anyway. he's too raw, and chris is being too kind, for it to end any other way. ]

Long list. [ it's a weak sort of attempt at a joke, but an attempt nonetheless. ] You're nicer to me than I deserve, Chris.

[He's not a crier himself, it comes out of him like something ugle dragged free and usually at the most intense and worst moments...so feeling Nick shudder, feeling the wet against his neck, he doesn't try to stifle or still it for him. Better to let it out, even if it was unpleasant and felt terrible.

He just keeps his hold tight, like he can keep the pieces in some semblance of order for when he was ready to pick them up again.]

Hush, I'm not nice, I've been known to be kind, but I'm not nice. So if I'm nice to you, know it's exactly as nice as you deserve cause I'd not muster it for any other kind.

[There's a pause and his the smile he'd pulled together fades as his voice softens.]

I've got you. Promise I do.

[ it's almost second nature for him to shove everything down now, so much that it's hard to do anything else. nick doesn't want to have a breakdown, much less where anyone can bear witness to the whole sorry affair, but somehow the thought of pushing it away and slapping on a fake smile is marginally worse. just barely worse.

it's still hard to let out the shuddering exhale, to squeeze his eyes shut but not actively fight the tears. it's harder when he hears the crack in his voice, like there's something distinctly shameful about audibly struggling. there's an awful lot that nick manages to find shame in these days though, having a rough moment is no exception. ]

I don't know how I get through this. I'm just--tired. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just want to like...disappear and go live in the woods or something.

[He keeps the petting motion in Nick's hair, soft but present, something he hopes is grounding as well as soothing and locks the tops of the wings close to block out as much of the ambient light of the Down out other than what filters in from below.]

You're getting through it right now. Doing this, talking, feeling, it hurts but that's cause you're letting it bleed. Sometimes that's what's gotta happen to feel better.

I bottled something up for three years once...it blew up in my face and the faces of everyone I loved and I yelled at them. They didn't deserve it, but I'd let it get bad. I did think about running away then.

How much do you have to talk about it before it starts getting better?

[ it's that joke but not really all over again, too...sad to sound anything less than tragic and genuine. he's sick of everything being a process, nick has always wanted quick fixes. this is hardly an exception.

but he tips his head a little, pressing the words less into chris's chest and closer to his neck, coming up for air. or at least attempting it, anyway. ]

I just want to be done. I don't even care what kind of done any more, you know? Like, if it's better, great, if it's not-- I just want it to be over with.

Hey now...

[Chris shifts so his hand drops from hair to chin to tilt Nick's face up a bit more and grant Chris access to his forehead where he rests his lips as he speaks.]

Better is what it'll need to be, you've got too many who care too much for it to be anything else. You know what, though, there's good news. Bet you'll feel a bit better in a few minutes, even. Every little bit you talk feels worse...but then feels cleaner. Scraped out but better for it.

Plus, I've got a secret little band-aid might help.

[ it's easy enough to tip his face up toward chris, and nick wants it to be just as easy to let the man convince him that he's right. that better is the only option, that there's a way forward and out of this that doesn't just end with nick alone and empty.

when he exhales this time it's less of a sigh and more of a carefully measured choice, and nick unlatches himself a little from around chris so that he can press a hand loose against his chest instead. he's not consciously feeling for a heartbeat, his hand just stops drifting once he finds it. ]

I don't think I'm going to feel better in a few minutes. Just..embarrassed, probably. So I hope that's a really good band-aid.

[He doesn't resist as Nick pulls that bit back and his wings loosen around them, then flair back and stretch for being held in that position for so long. His hand covers Nick's, expression soft.]

Oh you might feel that as well, it's alright, I won't tell and you can pretend you don't.

[He searches Nick's face a moment.]

Hold tight on me, yeah?

[ he fights the urge to say he doesn't deserve this, again, if for no other reason than because he already knows that chris disagrees, and that kind of cycle just isn't especially helpful. instead he just leans up, presses his lips to chris' cheek, lingers there a moment. or two, or three. ]

You're a good guy. Great, actually.

[ he's still there when he murmurs the response, though he nods after a brief pause, and this time nick's arms slide around chris' neck, fingers latched around his arms above the elbows. it's weak, but genuine, when the corner of his mouth quirks up into something like a smile. ]

Will this do?

[He presses a quick kiss to Nick's forehead and wraps his arms tight around Nick's middle.]

Only to the people I want to like me, I'm a manipulative fuck.

[He says it jokingly...even if he knows it's true on some level. He's not trying to manipulate Nick, though -he doesn't think he is- he just wants to shake some of that cloud from his pretty soul, if he can.

For that, his wings beat against the roof, once, twice, the third powerful flap gets them clear of the roof and into the air. Up. Up. High above the house and the Down spreading far below them.]

You get motion sick, Nicky?

[ it would be very hard to stay miserable when literally flying, nick thinks, and he wants so badly to be cheered up. his grip around chris' neck quickly tightens when they leave the solid ground of the roof, and he laughs as he squeezes his eyes shut, briefly. ]

Not even a little bit.

[ he turns his head a little, so that he can peel an eye open and peek out at the ground below them. it's hardly enough to fix all of nick's problems, of course, but there's something about being this high in the air that makes it seem small enough for him to grin, wide and bright, for the first time in what feels like an age. ]

Jesus, Chris, that's one hell of a band-aid.

[Flying was one of his most favorite hobbies, even if he was in the worst mood imaginable, the rush alone usually soothed things. It won't fix anything, but it usually helps and does now as well, if Nick's lovely smile is anything to go by.]

Yeah, gets better, though.

[He's about to test that motion sickness question, cause Chris flies even higher....and then stops flapping altogether. One stomach-wrenching moment they're climbing and in the next, Chris' arms are tighter and gravity reclaims them as he lets them freefall for so many seconds. He catches them as the buildings get closer, his wings flaring out to send them in an arch that takes them further out over the streets and back into a glide, broken only by an occasional flap to keep them aloft.]

You want the full paces? I could take you on twists...or anywhere you'd like to go.

[ nick doesn't scream as they plummet towards the ground, just latches on tighter and stares wide eyed at the buildings until they're soaring back over them again. his stomach has flipped more times than he can count, but it's just a relief that it's paired with the rush of adrenaline and not a guilty conscience. ]

You wanna show off? You can show off.

[ nick laughs like he hasn't a care in the world -- for a split second there it feels like he doesn't, keeping one arm strung tight around chris' shoulders and flinging the other out beside him to feel the air rush between his fingers. ]

Take me somewhere far away.

[ there's not really anywhere that they can go -- but it's a nice dream. ]

[It’s a bad idea to kiss him at this velocity while doing tricks, but the temptation is there as he takes another hard flap to get them higher.]

You’ve got it.

[Twists and turns is what he delivers on: tight spins through the air and sharp maneuvers by buildings, but slower moments as well to give Nick the chance to breathe and enjoy.

He takes them through the tunnels, pulling a touch of magic to them to pass unnoticed as he takes them up. Well over the streets above and into the night sky with the Up spread below them. Still, he presses on, steady wingbeats carrying them over the deep blackness of the ocean at night and low enough to run a hand in the water.

It was always a comforting sight to him, he’d grown up near the docks in a port city, the ocean would always mean peace in some way. Which is why he sets them on the top of a high cliff’s edge overlooking the waves below to catch their breath.

Once their feet set down, Chris keeps a hold of Nick to keep him steady.]

I’m only sorry I can’t take you further.

[ it's not like nick has failed to experience any kind of joy in these past few months, far from it, but there's a freedom that comes from this that nick hasn't experienced in--a long time. he's not sure how long, but soaring through the city is the closest to unburdened that he's been able to feel since william crawled his way into a permanent fixture in nick's life.

his hand is still damp from the sea when they touch down, precarious enough that nick should really keep hold of chris but he doesn't, just a loose sort of grip on the stretch of shirt by chris' shoulder as he twists to look out over the cliff's edge. it makes his head swim, but nick beams all the same. ]

You've done plenty. Holy shit, look, I haven't been this far away from the city since I got here.

[ nick turns back, hooks his hand behind chris' neck and pulls him down--pulls himself up, really, so that he can press their foreheads together. ]

Thank you. Seriously.

[His grip isn't tight, if Nick were to fall, he trusts his own speed enough to be able to grab him again, but he still keeps his hands at Nick's sides. When he pulls himself up, Chris meets him a bit, eyes half closing, but settling their gaze on Nick's cheek and lashes.]

You're welcome. Truly. I know you feel alone and tired, Nicky, but I'm here for you. [Chris is absolutely positive he isn't the only one, even of the ones angry with Nick, but Nick might not believe it and that was what mattered more right now.] If you need me to put your head back on, tell you you're being silly, kiss you, or fly you to a cliff-face: I'll do it.

Yeah.

[ he does actually believe him, which is saying something right now. it's kind of hard to deny that someone's going to lengths to support you when you're literally balanced out on a cliff face though, so that helps. a lot of things feel shaky right now, unstable, but not this.

it's--beyond a relief.

nick tilts his head up, presses his stupid smile smile to chris' mouth until it turns into a kiss. even then, it's only a moment before nick is murmuring against his lips. ]

You're really something else, you know that?

[He smiles into that smile-kiss as well. It's silly but it's nice.]

Yeah, I'm a mess of things, but that's alright.

[He kisses Nick back, once, twice, simple and soft little things only meant for the affection they offered. He speaks between them again, voice a touch more apologetic.]

We can stay up here another seven minutes, then I've got to fly us back or we're stranded as far as the sky's concerned.

You know, I can portal now, right?

[ it's one hell of a view up here, made all the more pleasant for having his arms looped loose around chris too, for those kisses pressed onto his face. it's a little easier to let his problems feel smaller out here, not quite so overwhelming. just a little bit manageable.

it's better than nick's been doing in weeks, he'll gladly take it. ]

You got us up here, I can get us home. Stay a while, enjoy the view. [ it's not a grin this time, it's a softer little smile on his face as he tilts it up once more. ] Kiss me again.

[He portaled up to the roof...]

Yeah...absolutely...remembered that.

[He smiles in a way that's absolutely meant to be making fun of himself. They'd talked about a lot and then gone flying...and now he was contemplating the slightly uneven stone here and if he had the energy left for what he was considering.]

I've got you and the ocean to look at, there's plenty of view to enjoy.

[But he does as asked and leans in to kiss Nick again. Something with a little more pressure, a little longer, if still gentle.

[He doesn't look as he waves a hand over the stonetop they stood on, a five foot bowl-shape carving itself into the surface beside them.]

Sit with me in my lap, then?

[ it's a fancy bit of magic, albeit one nick only catches the end of, wrapped as he is in the promised kiss. the sort of thing that makes this all feel just a little bit lighter, like they whisked themselves away just for the hell of it, and not because nick is fraying at every threadbare seam holding him together. ]

Well, an offer like that, how can I say no?

[ nick reaches up, sweeps away a few loose strands of hair out of chris' face. tucks them away, then plants his hands on his chest to encourage him back into the scooped out hollow made just for them, so that he can settle comfortably into his lap right after. ]

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