extent | duplicitynet

i slept with hope while she was still lacking humanity

i'd cursed her, i had faith in it, and i didnt think she wanted to hurt me
and she didnt
at least nothing i didn't want to feel

but i knew it was a risk and i didn't tell anyone at the time

which is to say
you don't always know how deep you might get into something and you don't always make the smart decision in the moment
i've been there too

[ there's a lot of typing. too much, when all he sends back is ]

after you cursed her?

yeah.
before she died.

after she killed michael

yeah, after she killed your friend and compelled caitlin and was living under my curse

after all of that

[ nick tries to respond. and he tries to respond again, and again, and all the while it hurts more with each attempt. he doesn't even know how to feel. it just hurts. ]

okay

[ Nate thinks: this is worse than looking for William. He'd said if because he was trying to say he understands, and now he wonders if maybe he shouldn't have said anything. But that would mean consciously keeping a secret from Nick, and he's never done that. He never will do that. So he just says: ]

i'm sorry

in the moment all i was thinking about was the moment

that's not an excuse, it's just how it was. i don't have an excuse.

i understand

she was your friend. she didnt hurt you.
i get it.

[ after she killed your friend. he can't stop reading it. but his eyes blur and his chest aches, even as he tries to type. ]

you dont have to apologize

yes i do

she hurt you. i was stupid and i didn't think about that, or about anything else

the last thing i ever want to do is hurt you
and i can feel how much i have
and i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry
you don't have to say it's okay when it's not.

i dont want it to not be okay, so its okay

you and me can always be okay

that doesn't mean you can't be angry

i'm not angry, i'm just

i dont know. i just need a minute

listen

i'm gonna leave the spray and the pearls in your room in the down house

you can just

nick, i love you so much. i'm so sorry

you know where i'll be.

i dont want you to leave me alone

what do you want?

i dont know

you

[ That makes him painfully sad. It takes a minute to answer. ]

i haven't gone anywhere

here

[ He just teleports to Nick, without a single care for whether they're even both in the same city. If there's consequences to be had, he'll deal with them later.

Which is actually the attitude that got him into this situation, but that's by the by. ]

You always have me.

[ nick sucks in a breath when he sees nate, and something trips along the way. between the breath sucking in and out it becomes a sob, and he clamps a hand over his mouth. he still gets up off the bed, takes the handful of steps necessary to cross the room and winds his other arm tight around nate. ]

I don't want you to pull away.

[ Nate folds his arms around him. He's mired in guilt and sadness, and there's more sadness radiating from Nick, and he's not sure where one feeling begins and the other ends. He turns his face to tuck it against Nick's neck, and bunches his hands in his shirt. ]

I wasn't trying to. I thought you were asking for space, I just. I didn't mean to make it worse.

I don't want space.

[ nick knows an awful lot about what he doesn't want, a whole lot less about what he does. it's too big, too complex. he knows that he wants to keep his arm wound around nate's shoulders, as tight as he can. he knows that he wants nate's cheek pressed against the skin of his neck. he knows he wants to stop crying, but that one's a little more difficult. ]

I'm not mad. I'm not.

[ Nate pulls him in closer and presses a kiss against the softest part of his neck. It's never been hard to hold Nick like this, it's always come naturally. Even before they were together, when touch was like breath between them.

The hard part is knowing he's the root of these tears. He wants to be the one wiping them away, not the one drawing them out. ]

Whatever you feel is okay. I did a stupid, thoughtless thing and I never should've let it happen the way it did.

I'm sorry for even...putting it on you. I just couldn't let you keep talking about William like it was this massive dangerous mistake that you had to protect me from when I'd done that.

[ it's not just hope, it's everything. it's william, and lying to everyone, and asking nate to keep secrets, and getting citations, and every time he's sat in secret with a bottle of alcohol or a baggie of something, and michael dying, and nick dying—

it's everything that nick keeps squashing down, time after time, because the alternative is...well. it's this. nick's shaking exhales as he sobs into nate's shoulder. ]

It's not the same. You knew her, know her, I— I can't talk about it. But it's different.

[ He's never heard Nick cry this much. So much has happened to him and he's never cried this much, at least not where Nate could see. He moves his hand over his shoulders, trying to comfort him. How much comfort can he be when he's the cause? ]

I'm still so sorry. You deserve so much better from me, from everyone. You deserve the best. That's what I want to be for you.

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