extent | duplicitynet

Sounds like a question for my therapist.

[ it's supposed to be funny. nick even laughs, or a weak effort at one anyway, that dies out as quickly as it starts. he's about reached capacity for this sort of conversation, but...isn't that kind of nate's point? nick decides he can't deal, nick shuts it down, stuffs it away, never to be seen again.

but that's what keeps leading him here. nick, with a years worth of little secrets and big secrets and no idea how to tell any of them. nick with months of compounded misery, overflowing in one conversation. ]

I don't know. I keep trying...all these things to figure that out. Why it's so hard for me to just...let myself feel shit, but--I don't think I'm getting any better at it.

[ Nate nods, and settles back on the bed. He holds Nick on top of him, and strokes his back, the nape of his neck, his hair, his shoulders. ]

Well. I'm gonna say that you can tell me anything, whenever you're ready, no matter how long it's been. I'll be ready to listen. And until then, I'll just hold you, and you can deal in your own time.

[ He lets that lie for a beat, and then adds: ]

No matter what it is, we're gonna be good. If you're upset with me, we'll work through it, if something happens, I'll hold you. We'll work it all out.

[ nick has no shortage of people willing to tell him that. you can tell me anything, and nick believes them. he really does, but it's maybe the first time that nick has thought that maybe he would. honesty doesn't come nearly so easy to nick as silence.

he settles in nate's arms, face tucked into his throat, and that clawing need to cling to nate and force away any kind of space between them is settling too. it's not a fierce, panicked need, it's just a want. he always wants to be close to nate. ]

I'm going to tell you everything. Not--all at once, but a little bit, each day. I want you to know everything.

[ it's not perfect, but it's the best he's got, better than secrets and biting his tongue, better than lies of omission. better than actual lies. ]

We'll work it out. I think...sometimes I think me and you were supposed to meet, Nate.

[ Is it strange that it's so comfortable to lie like this, with another person wrapped so tightly around him? That everything feels so good, from the face tucked against his throat to that herbal scent to the familiarity of Nick's voice and his room and his shape.

It's not perfect. Guilt still sits uncomfortably in Nate's chest. It's obvious that Nick is still holding some things back, and there's the worry about how dangerous those things might be. There's still also the worry that Kyle knows less than Nate, and that it feels wrong to keep things from him. More guilt, at the knowledge that Nate will do it anyway, because Nick asked him to and because Nate doesn't want to let Nick down ever again.

It's not perfect.

So why does it feel like it is? ]

I think...

[ He shifts, so that he can see Nick's face and meet his eyes. ]

I think that I thought someone else was my soulmate. I was so sure.

But now I think I was wrong, because that was before I met you.

[ nick tips his head, reaches up to cup nate's cheek, and just looks at him for a long moment. nick looks at nate so much, he thinks he probably has the map of his face memorised. the slope of his nose, the shape of his eyes, the curve of his jaw all live somewhere in nick's mind. he could close his eyes and picture nate's face, stroke for stroke, without any trouble.

but he looks anyway. ]

I don't know if I believe in soulmates. [ he says it softly, leans up closer to his face, finishes the statement up close enough that he could almost kiss nate. ] But if I did, I'm pretty sure mine would be you.

[ Nate's breath catches between heartbeats. Nick is so close, Nate can feel his breath on his lips. His head tilts and he brushes their lips together, the briefest, most electric touch. ]

I didn't used to, [ he murmurs. He never used to feel like he bought into any of those more romantic notions. So much has changed here.

His hand comes up to graze Nick's jaw. ]

I can't imagine not being with you. I've only known you a year, but still I can't.

Me either.

[ in this position, it's easy to tilt his head just a fraction and bring their lips together again. it's another light kiss, soft, barely contact at all and nick's heart stops with it anyway. ]

I think...part of me knew right away. [ it's a stupid sort of confession -- hardly embarrassing, but it feels like his cheeks heat up as though it is anyway. the words come easy anyway, shared quietly and just about whispered right into nate's mouth. ] I didn't trust anyone, when I got here. But I trusted you.

[ The gentle kisses pluck Nate's heartstrings the most. He wants to sing with them. They're perfect.

He kisses Nick's cheek, and runs his hand gently down his back. ]

I felt like I knew you. Right from the start. From the first day, when we were working together. You know I could spend like, every minute with you? I don't think I'd ever get bored.

You better not.

[ it's a joke, funny only because it's impossible. the idea of ever being with nate and being bored is just laughable, nick can't imagine a world where it's even a possibility.

it's that much sweeter because of how soft it is, the gentle hand on his back, the way their kisses trade back and forth just brush against each other. nick nudges his nose against nate's cheek, smothers a smile against it too. ]

I always think I love you as much as I possibly can, you know. Like, every day I think that, and every day I love you more anyway. And I think about like, a month down the line, or a year, and I can't even imagine what it's going to look like, because I think I love you the most I can now, but I know it's just going to...keep getting bigger.

[ Nate doesn't say it, but he can't look down the line like that. It terrifies him, the thought of their future, because he knows there might be a time when they can't do this. He knows that Nick could disappear, like Nick Scratch did. Like so many people do.

And if that happened to Nick, Nate doesn't know what he would do. It's the thing that scares him most. ]

I think...every day with you I feel something I didn't think I could. I never thought I'd want to be touching someone all the time, or just...spend every minute with the same person.

But I do. I'm happiest when I'm just here. When we're doing this.

[ He brushes his lips over Nick's cheekbone, and moves them into his hair. These are soft kisses, but they're somehow more possessive than when they're rough with each other. ]

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