extent | duplicitynet

[ He did do this to him. He made someone he loves so deeply just break down.

He leans back to see Nick's face, and his hands come around to stroke away the tears. He kisses his cheek, and then he takes a breath and squeezes his own eyes shut.

Everything Nick's feeling is mirrored in the link between them. Nate feels flooded with it. His own guilt merges with it, and he doesn't know how to separate any of it. He just knows that it hurts, and that it makes him want to cry too. All he wants in the world is to make it so Nick doesn't feel like this anymore. ]

I love you. I'm here, okay I'm not going anywhere, I just--

[ He feels tears fall, and they don't feel like his. He takes a few deep breaths, and leans his forehead against Nick's. ]

Let me just...

[ His hands run through Nick's hair before he just wraps him up in his arms again.

He thinks, deliberately, of the first time they kissed - when it was sweet and playful and just between friends. Then he thinks of the first time he knew he loved Nick, and the first time he told him, and the first time Nick told him, and he concentrates on those memories. He focuses on the feelings they generate, so that he can pass them through the bond.

He thinks of the time he'd fought with Stephen and Anna over the portals and he'd stayed with Nick and Nick had made it okay again. He thinks of every day when they're making potions together, how much fun it is and how happy that makes him. He holds those memories close and leans his head against Nick's. ]

You mean the whole world to me. I can't imagine me without you, do you understand that? And the thought that I did something to ruin it, I hate that so much. All I want to do is make you happy.

[ it's too much. his grief is too big for just him, it loops back from nate into nick again, and even if it returns as something echoed it still returns. sometimes it's very easy for nick to get overwhelmed, and feeling like this--he doesn't know how he's supposed to even begin to get a handle on it. there's a reason nick crams everything down.

but nate is right there. he doesn't let go, and even if nick doesn't know the specific memory behind each emotion flooding through him, competing with all that sadness and guilt and frustration, he knows the feeling. nick knows what it felt like, the first time that nate told nick he loved him. the first time he understood it. nate in this very room holding him after one of the worst days of nick's life. nate showing him the creatures in the theatre for the first time.

he doesn't really know when he stops crying, just that it happens at some point. nick leans into nate, eyes closed. his hands drop to settle on nate's chest instead, curling loose into his shirt, and when he breathes out, it doesn't shake. ]

You do. You make me so happy, Nate, you don't understand. [ even if his tears are still streaked down his face, even if they've run down nate's cheeks too. ] I'm hurt. You didn't hurt me. They're not the same thing. You couldn't.

[ it's...questionable logic, but it's logic that nick wholeheartedly believes. ]

[ Nate shakes his head. There are happy, loving feelings being mirrored between them now, as well as the sadness. It makes everything more complicated, but somehow it also makes things easier. He leans in, and the tip of his nose brushes Nick's. ]

I could. I have.

[ He slides one hand back up to Nick's hair, and he brushes it back. ]

Listen, I...

[ He hesitates, and then draws Nick over to the bed. ]

I'm...not gonna leave you if you get mad at me. If something's not okay, then we'll work through it until it is. I'm not gonna disappear because of how you react.

And I'm the one in the wrong. I hate myself for hurting you, I just want to undo it.

Nate, I can't fight with you.

[ it's easy to follow him over to the bed, easier still to sit and find nate's hands. he needs both of them in his, just because. because everything's a little easier when he's holding nate's hand, even whatever the hell this is. ]

I-- everyone. Everyone that's important to me, I've fought with, and when I fight with them I hurt them. I won't do that, not with you. Not us.

[ Nate lifts his hands and kisses them, and then holds them in his lap. ]

We don't have to fight. We won't fight, I'm not gonna...say you're wrong. I know I was wrong. But you can't keep this shit inside, because then you just explode with it, like this, and I don't want that for us. Like I don't want that someday it'll just be too much and then we'll break, and I can't--

[ He stops himself, because that familiar wave of fear rolls over him like a sickness. He squeezes Nick's hands, and looks down at them. ]

I can't lose you. I need you.

You won't. God, you won't.

[ it's not a possibility he's willing to entertain, even for a second. there's no version of events where nate and nick break, he can't even think it. nick leans in, presses a kiss to nate's shoulder and once he's done he stays there, presses the rest of his words in there too. ]

I don't want to be upset about this. I've...never cared who you slept with, ever, I don't want to start now.

[ Nate leans back to make himself into a pillow for Nick. He folds his arms over his shoulders and traces his fingertips over Nick's arm. ]

It was wrong. I shouldn't have done it then, not when she was like that.

You're allowed to care, though. Even if it's not for something big like this.

[ nate leans and nick follows like instinct, like if the contact is lost right now then some fragile moment here will be lost. nick's cheek presses flat against nate's shoulder, close enough to his chest that if he's really quiet, he thinks he can hear the soft thud of his heard beating in his chest.

nick doesn't need to hear it, he can feel it, always, but it's a small comfort all the same. ]

I hate her. [ he says it, finally, a whispered confession. nick, who doesn't hate anyone. ] I don't care if that's not fair. I don't care if it wasn't her, or if she wasn't in her right mind, or any of the excuses people use. I still hate her.

[ Nate leans his cheek on top of Nick's head. He closes his eyes, letting himself breathe in Nick's scent. He always smells a little bit like the herbs he's always working with. It's comforting. It's Nick. ]

No, it's fair. She killed someone you love. Now that her conscience is back, I think she'd agree.

[ He squeezes Nick's shoulders. ]

I didn't hate her, because she was my friend, and the friend I knew would never have done that. I knew she wouldn't be like that once she could feel again.

But that doesn't matter. [ He takes a breath, and squeezes Nick tighter. ] I still shouldn't have done anything with her, not while she was like that. Because you're more important than...anything else. And I let you down, and I wish to god I hadn't.

You don't owe it to me not to sleep with her.

[ his voice catches on the words, but he still says it. he still believes it, too. it's a complicated sort of notion, this whole emotionless business, and one he's grappled with before -- but it isn't helpful, really. in the end, this isn't about hope. it's about nick, and it's about nate. ]

I wasn't expecting it. I didn't know [ a lot of things, it seems, but that's not really fair. only one of them is really keeping secrets here and nick knows it. ] ...I don't know. I just--if I could live the rest of my life pretending that she doesn't exist, I would. But I'm...glad it was you who told me, and not some...fucked up city secret drop.

[ Nate's glad of that, too. It could've happened. ]

You asked me about it going two ways. Nick, I don't want to keep any secrets from you. I am...so far from perfect and I know it. I don't want you to love me because you don't really know me, I want you to know all the good and all the bad.

I've slept with a lot of people here. I don't think there's anyone else you'd hate, but...I can give you the list. Anything you want to know, I'll tell you.

[ He pauses, and turns his eyes up to the ceiling. ]

I'm so sorry.

I don't need a list.

[ the thing is, nick is keeping secrets, and he does it on purpose, and he doesn't think it's any better just because nate knows that's the case. he feels guilty, of course he does. sometimes it eats at him so painfully nick wonders how he can stand it, but he still isn't going to tell him. ]

It wasn't sleeping with someone that got to me. I sleep with a lot of people here. Nate we've probably fucked most of the city, I couldn't care less about that. [ his arms wind around nate's waist, and he does his best to curl up against his side, press all of the spaces closed until there's no gaps between them. ] I know you, Nate. And I love all of you.

[ Nate's kept secrets all his life. There were things that he never told anyone at all back home, and an even wider range of things that he told only a few. Real honesty is a relatively new thing.

So is being loved in spite of his flaws. If he had ruined that, he would've been devastated.

He can feel that guilt running through Nick, now. He touches his chest and leans in, gently kissing his head. ]

I love you.

Nick, I swear you can feel whatever you feel about anything I do, and no matter what it is I'm not going to leave you.

Why do you feel guilty? You haven't done anything wrong.

Because.

[ that's not an answer but needs a minute, to smooth his palm out flat over nate's chest, slide it to his hip, try to pull him closer. it's basically impossible, but he tries anyway. ]

I don't want to keep any secrets from you either. But there's so much I just...don't say. Some of it isn't even bad, but then all this time passes and all of a sudden it's like I can't talk about it, because now it's been forever and if enough time passes it's not just not talking about something, right? It's a lie.

[ A frown flickers over Nate's face. He presses closer, if that we're at all possible, and moves one of his hands to cover Nick's. ]

If you want to tell me, then it's never too late. If you don't, then...

[ He chews his lip. ]

You don't have to share everything. Wanting to us my hangup, because I was a secretive little shit for years and I don't want to not be known anymore.

It doesn't mean you have to do the same.

I want to. I want to...be the person who shares everything. I want you to know everything.

[ nick flips his hand under nate's, laces their fingers together instead to hold onto him, because he can rub his thumb across nate's knuckles, and because he can manoeuvre their hands to rest on top of nate's stomach. and he can tip his head and duck a soft kiss on nate's neck too, just because he can. because he wants to feel connected. ]

I just-- don't know. I don't know how to say things, half the time, and it's hard so I don't try, and then not saying them becomes habit.

[ Nate's eyes half-close. He can feel Nick everywhere; their bodies are pressed together, their hands are holding, Nick's lips are against his neck and their emotions are shared, intermingling. Nate is conscious of opening himself up even further than normal, craving every aspect of contact. His thumb slides over Nick's, and his head turns so that he can nudge at him and lean in to kiss him. ]

So. Tell me something you haven't told me.

[ His other hand is around Nick's waist, and his fingers move, grazing at the patch of skin he can find just under his t-shirt. ]

Even if it's from ages ago.

I broke my wrist on the last day of camp having shower sex.

[ that's--not really what he wants to say, at all, but it's a stepping stone of sorts. that's the thing, it's not even always something dramatic. sometimes it's just a little embarrassing, or irrelevant, but the web still builds up so much, so quickly, that nick can't move for fear of something snapping.

it's partly indulgence and partly another delay to lean in and kiss nate, slow and soft as everything else he's feeling. the messiness is still there, nick isn't just over it, but all of that internal conflict doesn't hold a torch to the love he feels. ]

Do you remember...God, last year. I think I'd literally just started working for you. I asked for the next day off, didn't really give any more details.

[ Nate's fingers trace over his wrist, not even sure if this is the one he means. He presses in against him, kissing him back, and letting all the tangle of feelings wash over him.

Guilt, sadness, yearning, love, need. It's as confusing as the feelings between them have ever been.

It's more honest, too. Nate has never thought that was lacking. ]

I remember. You don't want to be off very often, so...

Basically never. Even then I like, I loved the Theatre.

[ honestly he thinks about the conversation more than the incident these days. about the way nick, alone and spinning out, had reached out for something approaching comfort -- and nate, who had barely known him -- had met it without hesitation.

it's significant for that, really. not a lot else. ]

I was in the Up, came across Magnus, didn't think it was weird when he took me back to his place at first. But then it got--I don't know, pushy, there were red flags, and when I tried to leave he...used magic to bind me, gag me, drug me. And when he was done having sex with me, he kicked me out. That's...how I met Ragnor, actually.

[ nick chooses his words carefully the whole time, it's still restrained and closed off, but there's something freeing, about telling a story he's barely told in full before. ]

By the time I was ready to even think about telling anyone, I'd found out that he had a citation, and then I just--I didn't want to fuck up his life, you know? It wasn't his fault. So I just didn't...tell anyone.

Edited (A SMALL EDIT TO ACCOUNT FOR MY JUNKY MEMORY) 2022-03-12 06:25 (UTC)

[ It's a story that turns Nate's blood cold for a number of reasons. That this had happened to Nick at all, and so early in his time here. That it had happened before that fateful video with Logan, and undoubtedly made that entire experience much worse. That it was with Magnus, which means that Nate has indeed slept with someone else who had hurt Nick, albeit that he hadn't known about this until now.

That something so terrible had happened to Nick at all. Nick, who's so prone to brushing off his own feelings. Nick, who never wants anyone to make a big deal, who diminishes himself to the point of not even wanting to be angry with Nate for doing something that deserved anger, who only ever showed kindness and love and support to everyone around him...

Nate lets out a little sound and turns into him, both arms wrapping tightly around him. ]

My god. I'm so...I can't believe you got to be okay with him after that.

Nick.

[ Nate presses a kiss into his neck. He can't make any of this better, but he can let Nick feel how much he loves him, how important he is to him. It seems impossible that something so big happened to him and Nate hadn't been there to hold him at the time. He absolutely must make up for that now. ]

It took, like, it took time. And work, we both— I don't know, it was hard for a long time. We're really good now.

[ this is what the aftermath of that day should have looked like. held and loved and cared for, not alone and hurt and scared, and getting high in some miserable apartment in the down. nick hugs into him tighter, breathes in deep. they barely knew each other back then, it wouldn't have been like this, but nick can--keep his eyes closed and wish, just for a moment, that it was. ]

Sometimes I think maybe like, if some people knew all that, they might...understand me and Logan better, or at least hate it less. I was already so deep into fixing things with Magnus by then, it made it--I don't know. Easier to forgive him, faster. Like I had the blueprint? But it didn't feel...fair. I don't know, it's not just my story to share.

[ Nate's brows close a little. He's never judged Nick for Logan. What happened in that video had been the result of Duplicity's meddling. Nate can negate that blame for Logan in the same way as he can blame Hope's wrongdoings on the accident that took her conscience away. He doesn't hate people for what they can't control.

It would be the same with Magnus. It hadn't been his fault. But for Nick those hurts are personal, and it's up to him how much he can forgive. He's allowed to draw his own line, it doesn't have to be the same as Nate's or anyone else's. And regardless of what he decides, one thing certainly is clear. ]

It is your story. It happened to you. There's context, yeah. But it doesn't matter, because you still get to feel how you feel. You don't...have to pretend you weren't hurt just because he was a victim too.

[ He feels that's important to say, and not just in relation to this incident. Nick is so prone to putting his own feelings away.

Nate turns to kiss his cheek, and then his hands spread low over his back. ]

You ever think about...how much easier it is for you to forgive people who hurt you, then people who hurt someone else? And why that is. Why someone else's pain always matters so much more than yours.

Sounds like a question for my therapist.

[ it's supposed to be funny. nick even laughs, or a weak effort at one anyway, that dies out as quickly as it starts. he's about reached capacity for this sort of conversation, but...isn't that kind of nate's point? nick decides he can't deal, nick shuts it down, stuffs it away, never to be seen again.

but that's what keeps leading him here. nick, with a years worth of little secrets and big secrets and no idea how to tell any of them. nick with months of compounded misery, overflowing in one conversation. ]

I don't know. I keep trying...all these things to figure that out. Why it's so hard for me to just...let myself feel shit, but--I don't think I'm getting any better at it.

[ Nate nods, and settles back on the bed. He holds Nick on top of him, and strokes his back, the nape of his neck, his hair, his shoulders. ]

Well. I'm gonna say that you can tell me anything, whenever you're ready, no matter how long it's been. I'll be ready to listen. And until then, I'll just hold you, and you can deal in your own time.

[ He lets that lie for a beat, and then adds: ]

No matter what it is, we're gonna be good. If you're upset with me, we'll work through it, if something happens, I'll hold you. We'll work it all out.

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cw: discussion of noncon

Re: cw: discussion of noncon

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