extent | duplicitynet

listen

i'm gonna leave the spray and the pearls in your room in the down house

you can just

nick, i love you so much. i'm so sorry

you know where i'll be.

i dont want you to leave me alone

what do you want?

i dont know

you

[ That makes him painfully sad. It takes a minute to answer. ]

i haven't gone anywhere

here

[ He just teleports to Nick, without a single care for whether they're even both in the same city. If there's consequences to be had, he'll deal with them later.

Which is actually the attitude that got him into this situation, but that's by the by. ]

You always have me.

[ nick sucks in a breath when he sees nate, and something trips along the way. between the breath sucking in and out it becomes a sob, and he clamps a hand over his mouth. he still gets up off the bed, takes the handful of steps necessary to cross the room and winds his other arm tight around nate. ]

I don't want you to pull away.

[ Nate folds his arms around him. He's mired in guilt and sadness, and there's more sadness radiating from Nick, and he's not sure where one feeling begins and the other ends. He turns his face to tuck it against Nick's neck, and bunches his hands in his shirt. ]

I wasn't trying to. I thought you were asking for space, I just. I didn't mean to make it worse.

I don't want space.

[ nick knows an awful lot about what he doesn't want, a whole lot less about what he does. it's too big, too complex. he knows that he wants to keep his arm wound around nate's shoulders, as tight as he can. he knows that he wants nate's cheek pressed against the skin of his neck. he knows he wants to stop crying, but that one's a little more difficult. ]

I'm not mad. I'm not.

[ Nate pulls him in closer and presses a kiss against the softest part of his neck. It's never been hard to hold Nick like this, it's always come naturally. Even before they were together, when touch was like breath between them.

The hard part is knowing he's the root of these tears. He wants to be the one wiping them away, not the one drawing them out. ]

Whatever you feel is okay. I did a stupid, thoughtless thing and I never should've let it happen the way it did.

I'm sorry for even...putting it on you. I just couldn't let you keep talking about William like it was this massive dangerous mistake that you had to protect me from when I'd done that.

[ it's not just hope, it's everything. it's william, and lying to everyone, and asking nate to keep secrets, and getting citations, and every time he's sat in secret with a bottle of alcohol or a baggie of something, and michael dying, and nick dying—

it's everything that nick keeps squashing down, time after time, because the alternative is...well. it's this. nick's shaking exhales as he sobs into nate's shoulder. ]

It's not the same. You knew her, know her, I— I can't talk about it. But it's different.

[ He's never heard Nick cry this much. So much has happened to him and he's never cried this much, at least not where Nate could see. He moves his hand over his shoulders, trying to comfort him. How much comfort can he be when he's the cause? ]

I'm still so sorry. You deserve so much better from me, from everyone. You deserve the best. That's what I want to be for you.

You didn't do this to me.

[ he did it, but it wasn't to hurt nick. he knows that, he understands that. but it still hurts, when the only thing that nick can think about when he even hears her name is michael's body tossed on the floor. discarded like a piece of trash.

he just hurts. he's confused, devastated, guilty, all at once, and he doesn't want it to feel like this any more. he doesn't want it to not be okay, so it has to be okay. and the thing is, being with nate has always made it okay. that has to be true now. ]

I love you. [ he sniffs, muffles the words into nate's shoulder, holds tighter. ] I love you, Nate. I love you.

[ He did do this to him. He made someone he loves so deeply just break down.

He leans back to see Nick's face, and his hands come around to stroke away the tears. He kisses his cheek, and then he takes a breath and squeezes his own eyes shut.

Everything Nick's feeling is mirrored in the link between them. Nate feels flooded with it. His own guilt merges with it, and he doesn't know how to separate any of it. He just knows that it hurts, and that it makes him want to cry too. All he wants in the world is to make it so Nick doesn't feel like this anymore. ]

I love you. I'm here, okay I'm not going anywhere, I just--

[ He feels tears fall, and they don't feel like his. He takes a few deep breaths, and leans his forehead against Nick's. ]

Let me just...

[ His hands run through Nick's hair before he just wraps him up in his arms again.

He thinks, deliberately, of the first time they kissed - when it was sweet and playful and just between friends. Then he thinks of the first time he knew he loved Nick, and the first time he told him, and the first time Nick told him, and he concentrates on those memories. He focuses on the feelings they generate, so that he can pass them through the bond.

He thinks of the time he'd fought with Stephen and Anna over the portals and he'd stayed with Nick and Nick had made it okay again. He thinks of every day when they're making potions together, how much fun it is and how happy that makes him. He holds those memories close and leans his head against Nick's. ]

You mean the whole world to me. I can't imagine me without you, do you understand that? And the thought that I did something to ruin it, I hate that so much. All I want to do is make you happy.

[ it's too much. his grief is too big for just him, it loops back from nate into nick again, and even if it returns as something echoed it still returns. sometimes it's very easy for nick to get overwhelmed, and feeling like this--he doesn't know how he's supposed to even begin to get a handle on it. there's a reason nick crams everything down.

but nate is right there. he doesn't let go, and even if nick doesn't know the specific memory behind each emotion flooding through him, competing with all that sadness and guilt and frustration, he knows the feeling. nick knows what it felt like, the first time that nate told nick he loved him. the first time he understood it. nate in this very room holding him after one of the worst days of nick's life. nate showing him the creatures in the theatre for the first time.

he doesn't really know when he stops crying, just that it happens at some point. nick leans into nate, eyes closed. his hands drop to settle on nate's chest instead, curling loose into his shirt, and when he breathes out, it doesn't shake. ]

You do. You make me so happy, Nate, you don't understand. [ even if his tears are still streaked down his face, even if they've run down nate's cheeks too. ] I'm hurt. You didn't hurt me. They're not the same thing. You couldn't.

[ it's...questionable logic, but it's logic that nick wholeheartedly believes. ]

[ Nate shakes his head. There are happy, loving feelings being mirrored between them now, as well as the sadness. It makes everything more complicated, but somehow it also makes things easier. He leans in, and the tip of his nose brushes Nick's. ]

I could. I have.

[ He slides one hand back up to Nick's hair, and he brushes it back. ]

Listen, I...

[ He hesitates, and then draws Nick over to the bed. ]

I'm...not gonna leave you if you get mad at me. If something's not okay, then we'll work through it until it is. I'm not gonna disappear because of how you react.

And I'm the one in the wrong. I hate myself for hurting you, I just want to undo it.

Nate, I can't fight with you.

[ it's easy to follow him over to the bed, easier still to sit and find nate's hands. he needs both of them in his, just because. because everything's a little easier when he's holding nate's hand, even whatever the hell this is. ]

I-- everyone. Everyone that's important to me, I've fought with, and when I fight with them I hurt them. I won't do that, not with you. Not us.

[ Nate lifts his hands and kisses them, and then holds them in his lap. ]

We don't have to fight. We won't fight, I'm not gonna...say you're wrong. I know I was wrong. But you can't keep this shit inside, because then you just explode with it, like this, and I don't want that for us. Like I don't want that someday it'll just be too much and then we'll break, and I can't--

[ He stops himself, because that familiar wave of fear rolls over him like a sickness. He squeezes Nick's hands, and looks down at them. ]

I can't lose you. I need you.

You won't. God, you won't.

[ it's not a possibility he's willing to entertain, even for a second. there's no version of events where nate and nick break, he can't even think it. nick leans in, presses a kiss to nate's shoulder and once he's done he stays there, presses the rest of his words in there too. ]

I don't want to be upset about this. I've...never cared who you slept with, ever, I don't want to start now.

[ Nate leans back to make himself into a pillow for Nick. He folds his arms over his shoulders and traces his fingertips over Nick's arm. ]

It was wrong. I shouldn't have done it then, not when she was like that.

You're allowed to care, though. Even if it's not for something big like this.

[ nate leans and nick follows like instinct, like if the contact is lost right now then some fragile moment here will be lost. nick's cheek presses flat against nate's shoulder, close enough to his chest that if he's really quiet, he thinks he can hear the soft thud of his heard beating in his chest.

nick doesn't need to hear it, he can feel it, always, but it's a small comfort all the same. ]

I hate her. [ he says it, finally, a whispered confession. nick, who doesn't hate anyone. ] I don't care if that's not fair. I don't care if it wasn't her, or if she wasn't in her right mind, or any of the excuses people use. I still hate her.

[ Nate leans his cheek on top of Nick's head. He closes his eyes, letting himself breathe in Nick's scent. He always smells a little bit like the herbs he's always working with. It's comforting. It's Nick. ]

No, it's fair. She killed someone you love. Now that her conscience is back, I think she'd agree.

[ He squeezes Nick's shoulders. ]

I didn't hate her, because she was my friend, and the friend I knew would never have done that. I knew she wouldn't be like that once she could feel again.

But that doesn't matter. [ He takes a breath, and squeezes Nick tighter. ] I still shouldn't have done anything with her, not while she was like that. Because you're more important than...anything else. And I let you down, and I wish to god I hadn't.

You don't owe it to me not to sleep with her.

[ his voice catches on the words, but he still says it. he still believes it, too. it's a complicated sort of notion, this whole emotionless business, and one he's grappled with before -- but it isn't helpful, really. in the end, this isn't about hope. it's about nick, and it's about nate. ]

I wasn't expecting it. I didn't know [ a lot of things, it seems, but that's not really fair. only one of them is really keeping secrets here and nick knows it. ] ...I don't know. I just--if I could live the rest of my life pretending that she doesn't exist, I would. But I'm...glad it was you who told me, and not some...fucked up city secret drop.

[ Nate's glad of that, too. It could've happened. ]

You asked me about it going two ways. Nick, I don't want to keep any secrets from you. I am...so far from perfect and I know it. I don't want you to love me because you don't really know me, I want you to know all the good and all the bad.

I've slept with a lot of people here. I don't think there's anyone else you'd hate, but...I can give you the list. Anything you want to know, I'll tell you.

[ He pauses, and turns his eyes up to the ceiling. ]

I'm so sorry.

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