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[extent]

user name: nick
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[extent]

I thought....like by the time you signed, I was already kind of in it, and I just thought. I don't know, that if one good thing could come from this shitty situation--if there was any chance you might not end up hurt too, I had to take it.

[ he lets out a careful breath, measured and controlled so that it doesn't shake, squeezing oliver's fingers quickly. ]

I know you don't think like that. I knew you'd hate it. That's why I didn't tell anyone.

[meca]

I was already in it too. ( had already signed on with william. had already been hurt by him, by nate's words. he hadn't really thought of it like that. but that's also. part of the reason why oliver had wanted the contract laid out a certain way: no quota requirements, no requirements to stay with william, nothing that could trap him with him if he decided he wanted out.

except that didn't take nick into consideration either. )

It hurt me more knowing he was hurting you than anything he had done with me.

[extent]

That's why you weren't supposed to find out until it expired.

[ it really was as black and white as that for nick, and even if now he can pull the whole tangled mess apart enough to actually see a perspective other than his own, even if nick now will agree with people that he was objectively in the wrong, he still--doesn't entirely believe it. ]

I knew it'd hurt you, when you found out, but it's nothing like what he could have done to you.

[meca]

He wasn't hurting me.

( plain and simple, easy to say. it's not technically a lie. he doesn't like that nick put it as what he could have done to you, because that just accents all the shit he did do to nick that he doesn't know about. )

It was like we were playing house. Y'know. I played along with whatever he was into. He'd take me out to a stupidly posh restaurant for dinner. Until I suspected he was doing something to you and told him to stay away from you, everything was fine. Until I told him I was leaving because he didn't stay away from you, he'd never so much as threatened me.

[extent]

[ he knows that the point he's not supposed to take away from that is that it worked, but it's hard not to feel a little like that's the case. william will do whatever william wants to do, but for a long time all nick was doing was indulging those rough impulses, so that he wouldn't seek it from oliver.

but. he knows that it's not the point, so nick just nods quickly. ]

Good. Good, I'm--I don't want you to know what it's like.

[meca]

Nick. ( shoving his face into the side of nick's neck, so he can feel his heartbeat. ) He didn't hurt me because I remind him of his ex. He wanted me to stay and knew I didn't like it when he pushed limits. Because he'd try it and I'd bitch at him.

( up until the nick bullshit came to light, is what he's implying here. )

He didn't intend to hurt me. I don't think. Until I gave him reason to believe faking niceities wasn't going to cut it and I was taking off as soon as our contract expired.

[extent]

I figured. He said...you were a good actor.

[ it's already reaching the point where nick doesn't want to talk about this any more, but he can't clam up now. instead he just swallows, closes his eyes just to see if it's any easier to talk in the dark, drops his voice quieter. ]

I'd only just found out who he really was, when you said you'd contracted with him. Like the day before, and I just--if there was even a chance that it would work, that you could get through the three months without feeling like I felt, I had to take it.

[meca]

I was fine before you got involved, is what I mean.

( would have made it the whole three months without nick's interferrence, and now it's all a huge mess. )

If we'd talked about it, communicated, we could've avoided either of us getting hurt further. That's--all I want, from here on out. Communication. So we don't get into sticky situations and get ourselves hurt when we can avoid it.

[extent]

[ the point isn't arguing, so he doesn't. nick just nods his agreement, because even if he thinks that the problem was actually when everyone found out, that's not the point. the point is nick, covering up everything and straight up lying about the things he can't hide. ]

Was I this bad, before here? I can't remember.

[meca]

I don't think so. But we didn't have bullshit like this come up either.

( a soft kiss pressed to nick's neck, before he's nosing up closer to his ear. )

Don't go back to him. Please? I mean, he couldn't hurt me right now even if he wanted to. I'm warded to hell and back and I have Pierce as my acting bodyguard.

[extent]

Okay.

[ his voice is barely a whisper as he agrees, squeezing oliver's hand tight as he says it and tugging the arm he still has a hold of tighter across his body.

it's--a gesture, of some kind, that he speaks again without being asked. honesty isn't just about offering up snippets based on what's being asked, on asking the right questions. he's trying. he wants oli to know that he's trying. ]

I saw him, yesterday. Because we were supposed to meet up while I was stuck with Hellboy.

[meca]

( it pisses him off. because he sent ragnor to nick for a reason. because he thought nick would know better. because now he wants to go yell at ragnor about how stupid nick is but trust goes both ways and he can't open his mouth when nick is talking to him.

oliver holds onto him tight. grips onto nick around his midsection. )

Was there a reason why you thought it was a good idea? To go back to him, after everything.

[extent]

Because I said I would be there, and then I didn't show.

[ he says it like it's the most simple thing in the world, like this isn't the messiest situation that nick has ever gotten himself tangled up in. ]

I didn't want to find out which threats he would make good on if I just left him to be pissed.

[meca]

I went back to kill him after we talked. Didn't, but he told me I was grounded and wasn't allowed to leave for the week. I did, obviously. He said I disrespected him. But didn't do anything to me.

( since they're sharing and all. )

Told me to go to my room when I was still over. Like I'm a fucking child he can tell what to do. He gets off on power and control.

[extent]

[ he figured as much might have happened, after that fight, but he still doesn't like hearing the confirmation. it feels distinctly like failing in a way that nick doesn't want to examine too hard.

he's going to have to give his therapist one hell of a raise, after all of this is done. ]

Can he find you, now? Does he know any of the places you're staying?

[meca]

There's no definite no. I moved most my stuff to the Theater. Been staying here, or there, or in the Down provided housing. I sleep in my room at William's sometimes, but I have the door warded against intruders and I make sure he isn't home or in common areas before I go in.

( so he's being safe as he can be. oliver still doesn't think william is a threat to him necessarily, but. )

The day I left, I asked him why he keeps me around. He said I remind him of his ex, Theodore. Who he killed. Which he told me, with his fingers wrapped around my throat. So I'm not planning on going anywhere near him if I can help it.

[extent]

He's been to our place in the Up before, but not the one in the Down. He doesn't know about it, and it's warded too.

[ it's not a great solution, but there are no great solutions here. regardless of what actually went into the contract, nick has no faith in the city to back anyone other than william if he decides he wants to pull oliver back. ]

I'm--if I stop seeing him, I'm...scared. Of what he'll do, who he'll retaliate against. That it'll be my fault.

[meca]

I know.

( but he's wrapping himself around nick tighter. swings a leg over his hips to put his weight on top of him and wrap himself around him more. )

Whatever he does if you leave, it isn't your fault. But we can work to stop it. Stop him.

[extent]

I don't know what stopping him even looks like.

[ it's easier to talk like this, with oli wound tight around him and nick clinging back just as fiercely. one less thing falling apart, when everything else feels like it's crumbling around him. ]

He made me tell him everyone that knew. He thought I was the one who talked. And now--everyone knows, and I don't know how I'm supposed to keep all of them safe.

[meca]

So we'll stick together. You and me.

( just like this, maybe. wrapped around each other where it's safe. )

If he calls you, hand me the phone. I'll talk to him. We'll put enough protection spells on everyone to keep him off. Kyle, Michael, and Nate all seem--competent, strong enough they can probably take him on without an issue. We can try to stay in groups? Buddy system it until my contract expires and I've signed with Pierce. Pierce and I can put shit in there to help keep him off too.

[extent]

Yeah. Okay, yeah.

[ it sounds doable, when oliver puts it like that. nick twists a little, less on his back and more turned in towards oli, and he only lets go of his hand so that he can wind his arms right around oliver. ]

I'm sorry. About the lying, about...all of it.

[meca]

( nick turns towards him and oliver moved to intertwine their legs, slides his arm in under nick's to curl his fingers into the hair at the base of his skull. holds him close. )

I can't say it's just okay because it isn't. It hurts more that you went through all of William's bullshit than anything he could've done to me. Which I'm--guessing is how you felt about taking it rather than let me take it. ( a kiss to nick's forehead, gentle. ) I can get why you did it. I don't get why you kept going back even after Ragnor got involved.

( kind of part of the point of pulling him in. but. )

I forgive you, but I don't want something like this to--happen again. Whatever it takes. Okay?

[extent]

Because...

[ there's any number of reasons why nick kept going back. because he was scared, because it was the only option he saw, because he said he would. because, on some fundamental level that he isn't willing to touch with a ten foot pole, he thought he deserved it. but reasons sound an awful lot like excuses, and some of them he doesn't want to voice anyway, so nick just exhales carefully and tips his head until he's pressing something like a kiss against oliver's jaw, mumbling there instead. ]

I won't do it again. I'll--talk to you, tell you whatever. I don't want anything to get like this again.

[meca]

( he's not particularly tired, but he likes how laying with nick like this lulls him into relaxing enough he could fall asleep. oliver tips his head in and slides his hand out from under nick's arm, so he can raise it up to cup his cheek, presses their foreheads together. )

Promise me? Not even with just William, but with like--whatever else comes up while we're here.

[extent]

With anything.

[ it's too big a promise to make, really, but nick makes it anyway. head tipped in, face close and arm around oliver so there's barely any space between them, he wants it to be a promise that he'll keep, so he makes it anyway. ]

I'm so tired of secrets. I don't--like being this person.