extent | duplicitynet

i dont wanna like shittalk someone u probably still have very big + complicated feelings for but like
i will

i understand if people have limits but compliance shouldnt be a condition of love + if u dont know u deserve better than that ig i'll just have to double down on making sure u do

in the mean time i'll fix u up, easy. im actually pretty fuckin good at healing these days. and i have some killer sad breakup playlists that didnt get their time 2 shine so ive got u
ok?

the thing is i agree with you
compliance shouldn't be a condition of love, and i've always known that bc compliance was always 100% a condition of hawthorne love

and they would've sung the same tune, you know. don't do this it's dangerous, & we know this even though we've never tried it, & definitely it being dangerous is a reason not to learn/study/try

it kind of freaks me out that this reminds me of them. stephen reminds me of them rn
and i knew i deserved better than that when it was them

can we do this tonight? healing + breakup playlists
i like how that sounds

we've been working on this for a long time now. he should have told u how much it could affect u guys. maybe u still would have gone ahead and that's absolutely ok, but at least u would have known the choice that u were making.

it's a date. i'll find some fun stuff 2 bring down, something that'll make u feel good. some good booze too, just 4 variety

ur gonna be fine, we'll get u through this

it's not like i didn't talk to him too, like we talked a lot and he still didn't say that this was like an ultimatum

i thought even though he didn't want me to do it he still loved me. i didn't think he'd put an end to us

i just, idk. maybe that word means something different to him than it does to me. i wasn't gonna leave him for not supporting me.

i want to be around people that i know i can trust 100% and that's you anna and caleb
so i think im in the right place

maybe he didnt realize it was something he couldnt move past until it happened

idk, either way he's a dick and u dont just deserve better but u have it
i cant speak 4 anna and caleb (but i can guess they pretty much feel the same as me) but im not going anywhere.

+ i dont even know what that situation would look like but if something did come up and i thought it was 2 much for me, i promise i'll talk to u before it gets to that stage

+ also i love you
just seems like a good time for u to hear it

i love you

and thank you. i would do the same although honestly i can't imagine what would make me stop wanting to be with you

i'm so, so glad that i know you

thanks for just being on my side.

you know when i talked about the portals to you, you never even hesitated. you just wanted to be beside me. i'll never forget that

i know i have better than conditional love because i have you. you, caleb, anna, none of you have ever had conditions. that should've told me something before now.

i dont care what it is, how stupid or risky or unlikely to work or totally illegal the thing is, im always gonna have your back
thats just not negotiable at this point

(btw the guards give me stern looks @ the elevator now i think being a bad boy makes me hotter so ty)

we're gonna fix up ur scars and im gonna say some very rude things abt stephen that cannot be repeated ever bc thats the kind of friend i am and im gonna make u cry to taylor swift + probably also make out w u a bit but mostly we're gonna get really fucked up and have a good time. deal?

deal

except stop calling yourself my friend you're so much more than that.

also i'm gonna bring over all the alcohol i can carry thank god you're only next door

lmk when it suits

i mean like obviously we're in love + shit too but that doesnt make me not ur friend

i'll be there in like......20-45 depending on how long it takes me 2 get thru the elevator shit
u can go over + get started if u want i hid a spare key in case i got too drunk its like wedged in the the gap between the window sill + the bricks

no but like it makes you my boyfriend doesn't it

do you prefer like
paramour
or lover
or
idk
polyboyf

i made that last one up but it's no less valid

also i'll wait in your room ok?

( NICK IS TYPING............... )

yeah 4 sure make urself at home get comfortable etc all that
i'll be as quick as i can dont miss me 2 much 😘😘

too late for that :)

thanks for this.

[ It's probably weird to ask one partner to remove the remnants of another partner. Nate trusts him, though - not just to do it but to do it without making it weird.

So he goes over - finds the key where Nick said, lets himself in, gets attacked by several excited animals, and goes to wait in his room.

Nate has already taken out the gold diamond helix on his right ear and replaced it with a regular, black diamond. He strips off his shirt and glances at himself in the mirror. There's the star-shaped scar on his chest from Stephen's hand, and when he turns, he can see the carved sparrow on his shoulder. He makes a point of taking both of them in, and mentally says goodbye to them, along with the version of himself that loved them. And he did love them, so much.

Now they just hurt.

He goes to sit cross-legged on Nick's bed to wait. ]

( for his own part, nick is trying very hard not to make this about him. it's not, but he'd be lying if he didn't spend the entire trip to the down reading and rereading the word 'boyfriend' and feeling a lot like he's missed something very important.

(and there's a little part of him, naturally, that's annoyed that michael might have just been right. but that's neither here nor there)

it's a tight thirty five minutes to arrive, sped up by the fact that nick actually doesn't spend the whole time texting, and when he lets himself in nick heads straight for the bedroom. he dumps his hoodie quickly, pockets filled with little bags holding promised substances and he drops to sit on the bed in front of nate, reaching to snag one of his hands automatically. )

So, like, okay. When I ask this I just want you to know that I'm asking it in the most gentle and loving way, because I think it would be weird to not like...clarify quickly now that it's come up. And then I'll drop it and we'll carry on with our night plans.

( he digs his thumb into the side of nate's hand lightly, lifting it and ducking a quick kiss on his knuckles. ) Are we dating?

[ Nate looks up at him, face automatically brightening into a smile when he sees him. There's a bag of various drinks on the ground next to the little pile of his clothes. His shoes are there, too, because he doesn't think this is going to be a short visit. It's never a short visit when he's with Nick, regardless of the context.

He easily holds Nick's hand and turns to angle himself towards him when he sits.

That question surprises him, but it only shows on his face for a moment. He turns his hand to brush his thumb across Nick's chin. ]

I...

[ It's a brief exhale, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. They're talking about this now, tonight, when the loss of another relationship still feels raw to Nate. But, the emotional rollercoaster aside, it doesn't really matter. He always would've had the same answer. ]

I don't think we've ever had a date. Except that maybe we've had things that other people would call dates, but we've been doing them since before we were a thing, and...maybe we were a thing before we talked about being a thing.

[ He never said the answer was coherent.

Let's start again. ]

I dunno if dating covers it. And I guess if you have to ask, then maybe we aren't? But we're in love, and we're together all the time, and I could literally hold you all night and still want more. So if dating's the wrong word, then...what's the right one, Nick?

It's not a big deal.

( he says that quickly, because this is the sort of conversation that could be very big and very emotional incredibly easily — and maybe it deserves that, but not tonight. right now he just drags nate's hand up to his cheek, peeling it open and tucking his face into nate's palm before fitting his hand over the top. )

I didn't--I'm new, to like all of this. So if I don't always put two and two together, it's just because I'm like— very stupid about romance. I want to be dating. I want to call you my boyfriend.

( maybe he should have brought this up earlier, long before today, or he should have waited until tomorrow. but that would have meant letting that point linger, and nick doesn't know that he would have been able to let it go so easily.

it's easy to do this though. it's easy to say boyfriend and mean it, to squeeze his hand around nate's and exhale quietly, take hold of nate's knee with his other hand and shake it lightly. )

I'm just, like, three steps behind. That's all.

[ Nate sets his hand there, and then moves his other hand up to join it. This isn't complicated, for him. With Nick it's never felt complicated. Even when they were just friends, and crossing boundaries that friends probably shouldn't, it hadn't felt complicated. When he was letting Nick create an empathy link between them, it still wasn't complicated. He trusts him easily. He's never afraid that Nick will leave him, never afraid that he'll be too much for him.

He leans in to press his forehead against Nick's. ]

I'd like it, if you called me that. I want to be your boy, I want you to be mine.

I'm sorry we didn't talk about it before.

[ He shifts, then, scrunching closer to push his forehead against Nick's. ]

I love you. I'm in love with you. Yeah I want to be your boyfriend.

( it's a relief, really, that it's this simple. nick isn't known for handling anything bordering on romance with very much grace and compassion. and something messy right now is the last thing that he wants to do — if he could help it, nick would never be the cause of any kind of pain for nate.

it goes with exactly the kind of ease that nick and nate have always had though, and when he leans in to meet him halfway, rest their foreheads together, he's a little lighter for it. ever since the conversation with michael, it's been a niggling question, he just hadn't realised quite how much it had been weighing on him.

but. that's actually not why they're here, so he tips his head up, presses a kiss to nate's forehead in return. )

Do you want to heal first, or get high first?

[ There's warmth in Nate, when Nick says it like that. He's in love with him. He wants to be his boyfriend. There's such a stark contrast; Nick, knowing absolutely everything about him, and wanting him. Stephen, wanting him less for exactly the the things Nick had stood beside him to do. Even though that hurts, there's no denying the simplicity that this is, when set against it. Nate thinks: this is where he's supposed to be.

He lifts Nick's hand, and brings it to the raised texture of the star-shaped burn scar on his chest. Stephen had given it to him when he tastes Nate's blood, and it caused a surge of magical electricity to burn him where Stephen's hand had sat. Nate thinks of it every time he sees the scar, and he doesn't want that anymore. ]

I want to heal. I want it gone.

[ He looks up at Nick, meeting his eyes. ]

Make it clean again.

It's going to hurt.

( sometimes nick envies the ways that he sees some of the other healing magic working. some of the magic here could wipe all traces of stephen from nate's skin with just a snap of their fingers, but nick can't do that. he can fix this, but he can't just erase a scar, not without forcing the tissue to rewrite itself.

nate has never been afraid of a little pain though, and the physical of this doesn't run deep, so he doesn't hesitate. he traces a finger around the edges, carefully, then presses his palm flat over the scar, hand splayed out across nate's chest. he has to close his eyes, it's too easy to lose focus and nick wants to do this once and do it right. it's an odd sort of trick when he thinks about it in this much detail, reminding skin and cells where they're supposed to be, how they're supposed to look and feel, until the damage starts to undo itself.

it's a blessing that it's not too big, at least, or this whole process would probably be very unpleasant. )

Just, like, breathe through it, we're like halfway there. Tell me if you need a break.

[ Nate nods, mentally bracing himself.

But of course, because he's still him, the pain actually helps. It feels like a wound being excised. He lets his eyes closed, concentrating on the feeling of Nick's magic, the warmth of it. ]

No, I'm good. It's okay.

[ He lets his hand slide to Nick's shoulder and he keeps it there, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Finally, when the work is done, Nate looks down. The right side of his chest is bare for the first time in months, and it's weird to see. Empty, and somehow wrong for that fact. But at least it's no longer marked by Stephen. He lets out a sigh. ]

Thank you. [ He brings his other hand up to put it over Nick's. ] You've gotten really good at that.

( by the time he lifts his hand, it's like nothing ever happened. nick smooths his fingers over the spot where the scar had just been, not because he needs to feel it to know that it worked, but because he wants to. he wants to lean down and press a soft kiss there too, so he does that as well.

nick doesn't do a lot of good with his magic, not really. not like this, and there's something satisfying about actually making a clear difference that churning out drugs just doesn't bring. maybe that's something he should think about later, but for now he just shrugs, brushing nate's hair away from his forehead lightly. )

Lot of practice. ( he goes through the obligatory motions of a smirk and a wink, but it settles just as quickly. ) You feeling okay about this still?

[ Nate closes his eyes. His hand goes around the back of Nick's head when he kisses him, and then he kisses his crown, too. He stays there for a second, before leaning back. ]

It's sad. It's all sad, I never thought I'd be removing these.

But I can't...keep seeing them. I'm okay. Do the other one.

[ He turns carefully, angling his left shoulderblade towards Nick. The little bird there has been carefully and intimately carved. It was clearly meant to look good, unlike the accidental burn scar. Nate sighs, and closes his eyes again. ]

I'm ready.

( he does wonder, briefly, if it's too soon, if nate is going to remove every trace of stephen and wake up months down the line wishing he still had something to hold onto. but that isn't his decision to make, it's nate's, and he's being very clear about what he wants.

nick shifts closer, until he can guide nate's shoulder into leaning against his chest. there's no need for nick to put his arms around nate to do this, but he does anyway. there's no need for him to press his lips over the precisely scarred bird either, but he does that too.

when the pain starts to sear through the neat lines to tell nate that nick is pulling apart the evidence that there was ever a scar there to begin with, nick just holds him tighter. )

Sorry. ( he murmurs quietly, and he's not sure if it's for the pain, or the fact that he's removing the scar, or the fact that nate ended up here at all. a little of it all, probably. ) This should be quicker.

[ This is unimaginably tender.

If Nate had been able to do this himself, it wouldn't have hurt. It would've been over in seconds and he would've done it alone.

But then he wouldn't have had Nick's arms around him. He wouldn't have had soft lips pressing sweetly against the pain, he wouldn't be leaning back into supportive arms and a solid chest, and--

He's crying. He hasn't cried since he was in jail, since the insanity from the portals had pulled his mind apart. It had felt like that experience dried him out, wrung away any sense of emotion. Then when he'd got out, he'd used drugs to fake it, to make him feel like he was himself again.

But this isn't the product of drugs. This is something real. It's losing Stephen. It's letting go of that connection, of that attachment. It's every way in which he'd failed, it's losing the hope that the idea of creating portals had given him. There's no good reason for it all to come out now, but it does.

It's silent at first, and his only movement is to put his hands around Nick's wrists and squeeze them.

When the pain stops, and he knows that it's done, then he turns in Nick's arms. His eyes, hazy and wet, search Nick's face, and he just reaches to put his arms around him. He leans down against his shoulder and stays there, and cries. He doesn't have words for it, doesn't know what to say. ]

( it's not all that surprising that nate starts to cry, honestly. nick "doesn't do relationships", has never had anything hold onto long enough to lose it this painfully, not before duplicity, but if he had he imagines it would look a little like this.

there is no version of this that plays out without nick holding him close. when nate turns, it just means that nick can pull him closer, hold him tighter. he cups the back of nate's head, cheek pressed against his hair. without nate's magic fuelling it too, the link they share doesn't have the same kick to it, but it's still there. muted, dull, faded, but a grief and loss that doesn't belong to nick still settles somewhere in his chest. )

I've got you.

( it's the only thing he can think to say, because 'it's okay' isn't true, and 'it'll get better' is a cop out. whether tomorrow or next week or next month is easier, that doesn't change how nate feels right now. but nick isn't going anywhere, and he isn't going to let him go any time soon. nate can cry for as long as he needs, he'll just keep holding him tight until he's ready to stop. )

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