extent | duplicitynet

[ Nate looks up at him, face automatically brightening into a smile when he sees him. There's a bag of various drinks on the ground next to the little pile of his clothes. His shoes are there, too, because he doesn't think this is going to be a short visit. It's never a short visit when he's with Nick, regardless of the context.

He easily holds Nick's hand and turns to angle himself towards him when he sits.

That question surprises him, but it only shows on his face for a moment. He turns his hand to brush his thumb across Nick's chin. ]

I...

[ It's a brief exhale, somewhere between a laugh and a sigh. They're talking about this now, tonight, when the loss of another relationship still feels raw to Nate. But, the emotional rollercoaster aside, it doesn't really matter. He always would've had the same answer. ]

I don't think we've ever had a date. Except that maybe we've had things that other people would call dates, but we've been doing them since before we were a thing, and...maybe we were a thing before we talked about being a thing.

[ He never said the answer was coherent.

Let's start again. ]

I dunno if dating covers it. And I guess if you have to ask, then maybe we aren't? But we're in love, and we're together all the time, and I could literally hold you all night and still want more. So if dating's the wrong word, then...what's the right one, Nick?

It's not a big deal.

( he says that quickly, because this is the sort of conversation that could be very big and very emotional incredibly easily — and maybe it deserves that, but not tonight. right now he just drags nate's hand up to his cheek, peeling it open and tucking his face into nate's palm before fitting his hand over the top. )

I didn't--I'm new, to like all of this. So if I don't always put two and two together, it's just because I'm like— very stupid about romance. I want to be dating. I want to call you my boyfriend.

( maybe he should have brought this up earlier, long before today, or he should have waited until tomorrow. but that would have meant letting that point linger, and nick doesn't know that he would have been able to let it go so easily.

it's easy to do this though. it's easy to say boyfriend and mean it, to squeeze his hand around nate's and exhale quietly, take hold of nate's knee with his other hand and shake it lightly. )

I'm just, like, three steps behind. That's all.

[ Nate sets his hand there, and then moves his other hand up to join it. This isn't complicated, for him. With Nick it's never felt complicated. Even when they were just friends, and crossing boundaries that friends probably shouldn't, it hadn't felt complicated. When he was letting Nick create an empathy link between them, it still wasn't complicated. He trusts him easily. He's never afraid that Nick will leave him, never afraid that he'll be too much for him.

He leans in to press his forehead against Nick's. ]

I'd like it, if you called me that. I want to be your boy, I want you to be mine.

I'm sorry we didn't talk about it before.

[ He shifts, then, scrunching closer to push his forehead against Nick's. ]

I love you. I'm in love with you. Yeah I want to be your boyfriend.

( it's a relief, really, that it's this simple. nick isn't known for handling anything bordering on romance with very much grace and compassion. and something messy right now is the last thing that he wants to do — if he could help it, nick would never be the cause of any kind of pain for nate.

it goes with exactly the kind of ease that nick and nate have always had though, and when he leans in to meet him halfway, rest their foreheads together, he's a little lighter for it. ever since the conversation with michael, it's been a niggling question, he just hadn't realised quite how much it had been weighing on him.

but. that's actually not why they're here, so he tips his head up, presses a kiss to nate's forehead in return. )

Do you want to heal first, or get high first?

[ There's warmth in Nate, when Nick says it like that. He's in love with him. He wants to be his boyfriend. There's such a stark contrast; Nick, knowing absolutely everything about him, and wanting him. Stephen, wanting him less for exactly the the things Nick had stood beside him to do. Even though that hurts, there's no denying the simplicity that this is, when set against it. Nate thinks: this is where he's supposed to be.

He lifts Nick's hand, and brings it to the raised texture of the star-shaped burn scar on his chest. Stephen had given it to him when he tastes Nate's blood, and it caused a surge of magical electricity to burn him where Stephen's hand had sat. Nate thinks of it every time he sees the scar, and he doesn't want that anymore. ]

I want to heal. I want it gone.

[ He looks up at Nick, meeting his eyes. ]

Make it clean again.

It's going to hurt.

( sometimes nick envies the ways that he sees some of the other healing magic working. some of the magic here could wipe all traces of stephen from nate's skin with just a snap of their fingers, but nick can't do that. he can fix this, but he can't just erase a scar, not without forcing the tissue to rewrite itself.

nate has never been afraid of a little pain though, and the physical of this doesn't run deep, so he doesn't hesitate. he traces a finger around the edges, carefully, then presses his palm flat over the scar, hand splayed out across nate's chest. he has to close his eyes, it's too easy to lose focus and nick wants to do this once and do it right. it's an odd sort of trick when he thinks about it in this much detail, reminding skin and cells where they're supposed to be, how they're supposed to look and feel, until the damage starts to undo itself.

it's a blessing that it's not too big, at least, or this whole process would probably be very unpleasant. )

Just, like, breathe through it, we're like halfway there. Tell me if you need a break.

[ Nate nods, mentally bracing himself.

But of course, because he's still him, the pain actually helps. It feels like a wound being excised. He lets his eyes closed, concentrating on the feeling of Nick's magic, the warmth of it. ]

No, I'm good. It's okay.

[ He lets his hand slide to Nick's shoulder and he keeps it there, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Finally, when the work is done, Nate looks down. The right side of his chest is bare for the first time in months, and it's weird to see. Empty, and somehow wrong for that fact. But at least it's no longer marked by Stephen. He lets out a sigh. ]

Thank you. [ He brings his other hand up to put it over Nick's. ] You've gotten really good at that.

( by the time he lifts his hand, it's like nothing ever happened. nick smooths his fingers over the spot where the scar had just been, not because he needs to feel it to know that it worked, but because he wants to. he wants to lean down and press a soft kiss there too, so he does that as well.

nick doesn't do a lot of good with his magic, not really. not like this, and there's something satisfying about actually making a clear difference that churning out drugs just doesn't bring. maybe that's something he should think about later, but for now he just shrugs, brushing nate's hair away from his forehead lightly. )

Lot of practice. ( he goes through the obligatory motions of a smirk and a wink, but it settles just as quickly. ) You feeling okay about this still?

[ Nate closes his eyes. His hand goes around the back of Nick's head when he kisses him, and then he kisses his crown, too. He stays there for a second, before leaning back. ]

It's sad. It's all sad, I never thought I'd be removing these.

But I can't...keep seeing them. I'm okay. Do the other one.

[ He turns carefully, angling his left shoulderblade towards Nick. The little bird there has been carefully and intimately carved. It was clearly meant to look good, unlike the accidental burn scar. Nate sighs, and closes his eyes again. ]

I'm ready.

( he does wonder, briefly, if it's too soon, if nate is going to remove every trace of stephen and wake up months down the line wishing he still had something to hold onto. but that isn't his decision to make, it's nate's, and he's being very clear about what he wants.

nick shifts closer, until he can guide nate's shoulder into leaning against his chest. there's no need for nick to put his arms around nate to do this, but he does anyway. there's no need for him to press his lips over the precisely scarred bird either, but he does that too.

when the pain starts to sear through the neat lines to tell nate that nick is pulling apart the evidence that there was ever a scar there to begin with, nick just holds him tighter. )

Sorry. ( he murmurs quietly, and he's not sure if it's for the pain, or the fact that he's removing the scar, or the fact that nate ended up here at all. a little of it all, probably. ) This should be quicker.

[ This is unimaginably tender.

If Nate had been able to do this himself, it wouldn't have hurt. It would've been over in seconds and he would've done it alone.

But then he wouldn't have had Nick's arms around him. He wouldn't have had soft lips pressing sweetly against the pain, he wouldn't be leaning back into supportive arms and a solid chest, and--

He's crying. He hasn't cried since he was in jail, since the insanity from the portals had pulled his mind apart. It had felt like that experience dried him out, wrung away any sense of emotion. Then when he'd got out, he'd used drugs to fake it, to make him feel like he was himself again.

But this isn't the product of drugs. This is something real. It's losing Stephen. It's letting go of that connection, of that attachment. It's every way in which he'd failed, it's losing the hope that the idea of creating portals had given him. There's no good reason for it all to come out now, but it does.

It's silent at first, and his only movement is to put his hands around Nick's wrists and squeeze them.

When the pain stops, and he knows that it's done, then he turns in Nick's arms. His eyes, hazy and wet, search Nick's face, and he just reaches to put his arms around him. He leans down against his shoulder and stays there, and cries. He doesn't have words for it, doesn't know what to say. ]

( it's not all that surprising that nate starts to cry, honestly. nick "doesn't do relationships", has never had anything hold onto long enough to lose it this painfully, not before duplicity, but if he had he imagines it would look a little like this.

there is no version of this that plays out without nick holding him close. when nate turns, it just means that nick can pull him closer, hold him tighter. he cups the back of nate's head, cheek pressed against his hair. without nate's magic fuelling it too, the link they share doesn't have the same kick to it, but it's still there. muted, dull, faded, but a grief and loss that doesn't belong to nick still settles somewhere in his chest. )

I've got you.

( it's the only thing he can think to say, because 'it's okay' isn't true, and 'it'll get better' is a cop out. whether tomorrow or next week or next month is easier, that doesn't change how nate feels right now. but nick isn't going anywhere, and he isn't going to let him go any time soon. nate can cry for as long as he needs, he'll just keep holding him tight until he's ready to stop. )

[ He holds him tightly, hands fisting into his shirt while his face finds out that it fits very well in that space between shoulder and neck.

Nate isn't a crier, not really. At least not without a drug pushing him to it. The thing is, he never really cried over Nick Scratch. He never really cried about loss, in general, because he wouldn't less himself accept that what he'd lost was really gone.

Stephen had been his first love, here. Maybe his first real love, in general. He'd definitely been the first person Nate was ever serious with, and Stephen had been the one to hold him when Anna had disappeared before. Now, Nick is holding him because Stephen is gone, and unlike the others, he's not gone to a different world. He's not out of reach. He's gone because he wants to be gone, because he doesn't want Nate. He doesn't want his recklessness, or his pride, or his desire to fight. He'd said, I can't overlook it, as if those parts of him were flaws that he was overlooking, the rest of the time. He doesn't feel like he's been rejected because of what he did, he feels it's because of who he is.

And there's that, contrasted with the open, loving way Nick's holding him now.

Nate stays pressed against him until his breathing regularises, until the tears dry away. Then his head lifts, and he's still sad, but he's lighter somehow. He looks down at that bare patch of his chest, and thinks: he has to let it go. ]

Thank you.

[ His voice is tremulous, like it hasn't quite caught up with the fact that he's not crying anymore. That's when he sees the damp stain on Nick's collar, and he reaches up to smooth it with his fingers. ]

I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from.

[ But he leans in to kiss that spot, and then Nick's neck, above it. ]

Don't be sorry.

( nick shakes his head quickly, moves quicker still to wipe under nate's eyes. there's some part of him that wants to fix this, as easily as he fixed the burn, the scars.

that's not the kind of hurt this is, though, there's no quick fix. at least, there's nothing that will actually solve this for nate. nick is no stranger to coasting through emotions on chemical substances until the worst of it can't touch him, but now that they're actually here he's--relieved, just a little, that they're still sober.

there's plenty of time to change that, of course, but this, he suspects, needed to be felt. )

I'm serious. I don't care if you're...sobbing, or so furious you're screaming. Don't like, hide it, okay? Not from me.

[ Nate looks up at him.

He trusts Nick so much. He can go to him with anything, that's been proven time and again. It doesn't matter what it is. Even if it's something Nick doesn't agree with, he stands by Nate, because what matters is their connection. It's exactly what Nate needs. He thinks it's what he always needed.

So often in his life, love has felt conditional. It doesn't, with Nick. ]

I won't.

[ He rubs his hand across his face, trying vainly to clean it up a bit. ]

I mean, I'm still sorry for being a mess on your bed, but I know I don't have to hide from you.

I'm really glad that you're here, Nick.

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