extent | duplicitynet

It doesn't matter.

( which isn't entirely a lie — the subject doesn't matter so much as the fact that the fight happening at all, but all these issues are so tightly wound, it's hard to separate one from the other.

besides. lying is basically how this all started in the first place. not talking about something is one thing, but it doesn't feel good trying to deliberately lie to nate. he doesn't do it very often. )

I was...lying about choices I knew he wouldn't agree with, and he found out in basically the worst way. ( he pauses, looks at their joined hands. leans a little closer. ) Sleeping with Logan.

[ Sleeping with Logan.

Nate blinks through his surprise. It's not that he blames Logan for what happened to Nick. He knows they were both victims. But still, from Nick's point of view, whether he wanted to or not, Logan still attacked him. Nate can't really imagine being intimate with someone who hurt him like that, albeit that his experience of being attacked had never been sexual. And his attacker had never also been a victim. There are complications at play, here.

He shifts, and moves his other arm around Nick's shoulders. ]

And Ragnor's against that because...because of that video, I'm guessing?

He thinks I'm being self-destructive.

( it is, as always, more complicated than that. but nick had the chance to try and articulate that, and instead he took the nuclear route.

nick's face screws up as he scrubs a hand over it, shifting until he's more solidly leaning into nate's side. )

I was covering it up. He was mad I was lying to him— God, he was so pissed, and I didn't know what to do so I just told him to get out, and now we haven't spoken in like two weeks.

[ Nate moves to just hold him. It's comfortable; Nick is this skinny kid, all bones. But he always curls so close, and he feels a natural fit against Nate. It's nice.

Unlike basically all of the rest of this. ]

D'you think you are being self-destructive? I mean I know what that's like, too.

( it's not like nate is the first person to notice something wrong. he's not the first to try and talk to nick either, but he's definitely the first to get this far. maybe it's because he's already seen nick through worse, or because there's always been something easy about the way they connected, but it's not hard to let nate see the parts of himself that nick is usually trying to keep hidden.

he doesn't even bristle at the question, just does another shaky, careful exhale, shrugging lightly enough that it won't disrupt nate's arms. )

I don't know. It's probably not healthy, but it's...easier, sometimes. I don't have to think as much.

[ Nate nods, gently, against Nick's head. He's careful to keep his own thoughts and feelings out of this. He feels less than happy with Logan, frankly, because he's a lot older than Nick, and if nothing else, it's clear that Nick feels some conflict about whatever they have. If Nick feels that way, then Logan surely does too. The phrase, "he ought to know better" comes to mind.

But this isn't about what Nate thinks, or what Logan's doing, or anything else. It's about the fact that Nick is sad, and Nate would like him not to be, and that's all that really matters. So that's what colours his next question. ]

Okay. So...why did you want to hide that from Ragnor, then? I mean, is he supposed to know everything about everything you're doing? I dunno why he's entitled to know anyway, but...if he was, and you think that he was, then. Why not just tell him?

Not everything, but we...talk about stuff. I tell him shit, we try and work through it. You know, coping.

( a vague gesture with his free hand follows that. for someone that continues to make it abundantly clear that he needs some kind of professional help, nick doesn't think very much of therapy at all. bottling everything up was working perfectly well, until it very quickly wasn't. )

I kept it from everyone. Like I get, people don't need to know everything about me, but I was going out of my way to hide it. I thought— I don't know. I didn't want anyone getting pissed at Logan. People don't get what that's like, if it hasn't happened to them. And I didn't want him to like, think less of me or whatever.

[ Nate's eyelids flicker. ]

So like you might talk to a therapist, you mean.

[ He leans his chin on top of Nick's head. ]

I have a therapist. I talk to Harley. I don't reckon it helps all the time. And fuck knows there's a lot I've not said that I probably should. But at least she's, you know. Qualified.

[ Which he doesn't think Ragnor is. He thinks getting into that kind of reliance on a friend who isn't qualified, and doesn't entirely know what they're talking about, is bound to strain that friendship. Which, obviously, it has. ]

Why do you reckon he'd think less of you for it?

Something like that.

( it's not like he hasn't thought about it. nick's intense aversion towards any kind of self-awareness doesn't actually make him any less self-aware, and if someone with even half of nick's issues came to him the first thing he'd suggest would be a professional. but even thinking about it for himself makes his chest ache like he's forgotten how to breathe.

which is probably as good a reason as any to start thinking about talking to someone qualified to handle this. baby steps. right now, he's just trying to get through difficult conversations without getting twitchy. )

I don't know. He doesn't usually pull his punches about telling me when he thinks I'm doing something stupid. I figured he would think this was more of that. And he did, so.

[ Nate chews his lower lip.

The thing about Harley is, he's never been afraid of her judging him. There's a lot of people that he would fear that from, but she's not one of them. ]

Listen, [ He says, quietly. ] I think...when people care about us, they do judge. They can't really help it, they're invested in how we are. So that's why, someone who's very close...I don't think they can be completely objective. So I don't know if Ragnor is really the best person to be that for you, if you're afraid he's judging. Or if he does judge.

But I do think he cares about you. I think you should talk to him, probably. I don't think he'd want to lose you, Nick.

( nick laughs, a quiet, helpless thing that dies off just as quickly. nate's right, of course. across the board, in a way that nick would probably find annoying from someone else. he pulls their linked hands closer to him, trying to wind him closer. )

I mean, why would I talk to him when I can just...tank everything else in my life instead, right?

[ Nate presses closer, despite there not really being any more space left between them. He turns his head to put his cheek on top of Nick's hair. ]

I think...if you're upset he thought you were being self-destructive, then making it true might not be ideal.

[ If that wasn't what Nick was doing with Logan, it's almost certainly what he's doing by leaving Kyle. That's very clear. ]

Did you leave Kyle because you thought he would judge you, too?

( nick thinks he probably won't be happy until he's wound right around nate like some weird little limpet, but even he can recognise that's probably unreasonable. he settles for kicking at nate's ankle instead, twisting his head slightly to turn his face more into nate's shoulder. )

I just like, freaked out. The contract stuff came back and I don't know, everything was already so shit. I just— bailed. Said I was exploring my options.

[ Nate moves his hand over his back. Nick seems so alone right now. Granted, that seems to be entirely his own fault, but it's still sad to see. ]

So...what do you want, ideally? Like just straight up, now today.

I don't know.

( it's hardly the first time nick has gotten himself in the middle of a problem he doesn't know how to get out of. there's a rational answer in the form of talking to these people, but nick has spent a few days almost exclusively picturing every way it could go wrong. )

I want to stop feeling so shit, like, just for a minute. I'm sick of being the person that fucks everything up.

[ Nate's quiet for a moment. Then he moves a little, shifting his hand further up Nick's back. ]

So. Okay, bearing in mind that I don't think I'm capable of judging you.

How do you feel about Kyle? Like, forgetting everything else that's gone on.

( this is an awful lot of honesty for one day. it's kind of exhausting, and nick half-considers pushing to drop the subject. nate would probably let him, if he dug his heels in hard enough.

he doesn't worm away from it, just sighs and clicks his tongue. )

It's bad. Like, real, serious feelings. He makes me feel...calm. I kept— I'd always say we weren't dating if anyone asked, but it was something.

[ Nate's quiet. He's pressed against him, though his hand has stilled.

He's thinking about Nick. The other Nick, the one who's not here, and who he can't hold anymore. There's this ache, deep inside, and if he thinks about it too long, he thinks he might lose his mind.

He takes a breath. ]

You've got to hold on to it, then. Because this place, it fucks us over all the time. Takes important people away. And if it took him, now, while you're being Radiohead over not being with him, you'd be so pissed at you. Because you could've had that time.

Don't waste it, Nick, we dunno how long we get.

( he forgets about that very real threat all the time here. he sees the posts, hears people mention it, but it still doesn't feel real. it hasn't happened to him yet, not in any way that was significant.

it's true. for all nick knows, kyle could have disappeared yesterday and nick would have left things with it's been fun. he swallows thickly, shakes their hands free and twists until he can wind his arms around nate in a proper hug, chin over his shoulder and still pressed just as tight. )

You're right. I— fuck, I know you're right. I need to fix this, if I can.

[ Nate feels the emotion of it weighing on him. People are too easily lost, and thus far, very difficult to get back. Alongside the loss of Nick Scratch is the fear that the others he still has will be lost in the same way. Stephen, Caleb, Anna. This Nick. Cy and Crais. People whose loss Nate thinks might break him. Again.

He doesn't, personally, have time to wonder if something's going too fast or getting too serious. When your time is so clearly borrowed, you have to make the most of it. He's absolutely certain of that.

He hugs Nick so tightly he can barely breathe. ]

I know. I know you do, babe. So, what're you still doing talking to me?

Oh my God.

( when nick laughs this time it's quick like before. a little wetter, like maybe he's flirting with the idea of crying still, and a lot more relieved. one conversation is hardly a fix for everything he's tried to tear apart in a few short weeks, but it really feels like a step in the right direction. )

I'm going, Jesus. ( actually he hasn't let go of nate at all. ) I need to like, figure out what the hell I'm going to say. And sleep, it's been like three days. I need to do this right.

[ Nate leans back enough to put a kiss on Nick's cheek. Then his hand runs through his hair, and he nods. ]

And maybe, at least think about talking to Ragnor? It's not...

[ He pauses, presses his lips together. This one isn't so simple, in Nate's mind. Nick had clearly done wrong, to Kyle. It's not so clear cut with Ragnor. Nate doesn't think he should've judged him. Nor does he think it was really right for Ragnor to expect to know everything about his relationships, anyway. ]

I don't think he should be your therapist, mate. I don't think he's qualified or objective, and honestly, speaking as someone who goes to therapy, I think you need someone who is. I'd recommend Harls, but it's your call.

Ragnor does care about you, though. I think you should have boundaries with him, but I think you should make up with him. I do get why that whole mess upset you. It would've upset me too.

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