extent | duplicitynet

( nick thinks he probably won't be happy until he's wound right around nate like some weird little limpet, but even he can recognise that's probably unreasonable. he settles for kicking at nate's ankle instead, twisting his head slightly to turn his face more into nate's shoulder. )

I just like, freaked out. The contract stuff came back and I don't know, everything was already so shit. I just— bailed. Said I was exploring my options.

[ Nate moves his hand over his back. Nick seems so alone right now. Granted, that seems to be entirely his own fault, but it's still sad to see. ]

So...what do you want, ideally? Like just straight up, now today.

I don't know.

( it's hardly the first time nick has gotten himself in the middle of a problem he doesn't know how to get out of. there's a rational answer in the form of talking to these people, but nick has spent a few days almost exclusively picturing every way it could go wrong. )

I want to stop feeling so shit, like, just for a minute. I'm sick of being the person that fucks everything up.

[ Nate's quiet for a moment. Then he moves a little, shifting his hand further up Nick's back. ]

So. Okay, bearing in mind that I don't think I'm capable of judging you.

How do you feel about Kyle? Like, forgetting everything else that's gone on.

( this is an awful lot of honesty for one day. it's kind of exhausting, and nick half-considers pushing to drop the subject. nate would probably let him, if he dug his heels in hard enough.

he doesn't worm away from it, just sighs and clicks his tongue. )

It's bad. Like, real, serious feelings. He makes me feel...calm. I kept— I'd always say we weren't dating if anyone asked, but it was something.

[ Nate's quiet. He's pressed against him, though his hand has stilled.

He's thinking about Nick. The other Nick, the one who's not here, and who he can't hold anymore. There's this ache, deep inside, and if he thinks about it too long, he thinks he might lose his mind.

He takes a breath. ]

You've got to hold on to it, then. Because this place, it fucks us over all the time. Takes important people away. And if it took him, now, while you're being Radiohead over not being with him, you'd be so pissed at you. Because you could've had that time.

Don't waste it, Nick, we dunno how long we get.

( he forgets about that very real threat all the time here. he sees the posts, hears people mention it, but it still doesn't feel real. it hasn't happened to him yet, not in any way that was significant.

it's true. for all nick knows, kyle could have disappeared yesterday and nick would have left things with it's been fun. he swallows thickly, shakes their hands free and twists until he can wind his arms around nate in a proper hug, chin over his shoulder and still pressed just as tight. )

You're right. I— fuck, I know you're right. I need to fix this, if I can.

[ Nate feels the emotion of it weighing on him. People are too easily lost, and thus far, very difficult to get back. Alongside the loss of Nick Scratch is the fear that the others he still has will be lost in the same way. Stephen, Caleb, Anna. This Nick. Cy and Crais. People whose loss Nate thinks might break him. Again.

He doesn't, personally, have time to wonder if something's going too fast or getting too serious. When your time is so clearly borrowed, you have to make the most of it. He's absolutely certain of that.

He hugs Nick so tightly he can barely breathe. ]

I know. I know you do, babe. So, what're you still doing talking to me?

Oh my God.

( when nick laughs this time it's quick like before. a little wetter, like maybe he's flirting with the idea of crying still, and a lot more relieved. one conversation is hardly a fix for everything he's tried to tear apart in a few short weeks, but it really feels like a step in the right direction. )

I'm going, Jesus. ( actually he hasn't let go of nate at all. ) I need to like, figure out what the hell I'm going to say. And sleep, it's been like three days. I need to do this right.

[ Nate leans back enough to put a kiss on Nick's cheek. Then his hand runs through his hair, and he nods. ]

And maybe, at least think about talking to Ragnor? It's not...

[ He pauses, presses his lips together. This one isn't so simple, in Nate's mind. Nick had clearly done wrong, to Kyle. It's not so clear cut with Ragnor. Nate doesn't think he should've judged him. Nor does he think it was really right for Ragnor to expect to know everything about his relationships, anyway. ]

I don't think he should be your therapist, mate. I don't think he's qualified or objective, and honestly, speaking as someone who goes to therapy, I think you need someone who is. I'd recommend Harls, but it's your call.

Ragnor does care about you, though. I think you should have boundaries with him, but I think you should make up with him. I do get why that whole mess upset you. It would've upset me too.

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