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[extent]

user name: nick
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[extent]

i hate this place a lot right now

[guylining]

i know

there's so much fucking happening all the time

like i literally just went to tell thorn what's been happening in the last what 3 days or something and it was a list of like 8 different things

one of which is that the ship leaves tomorrow
which is the other piece of bad news i had.

[extent]

i just want a fucking holiday at this point tbh maybe if i go sit far out enough in the woods things might stop happening for 5 minutes


god
i forgot about the ship

[guylining]

the way things are going you'd just get kidnapped by a slenderman or something


i know the timing sucks
thorn is gonna come with me
i brought all my oli research to the theatre, it's all there and labelled with probably more notes than is helpful

[extent]

i thought you were still on the fence about him

[guylining]

it's

it's so complicated. there's a part of me that's still afraid, but

the more i talk to him the more sure i am that it's my thorn in control. if he loses control, then. well that's a risk
but he's in control now, and he put himself through a lot of pain to prove it
caliban did a spell. i helped, and
it was really hard to watch. he was bleeding, he was in agony, he was shouting for us to stop. and he still would've kept going just to keep me safe.

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i mean
if you think its a good idea

[guylining]

i trust him

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you just said you're still afraid of him

[guylining]

of what's inside him

but i trust him. like there is no doubt in my mind that he would never hurt me, not so long as he's in control

[extent]

ok

this is just happening very quickly

[guylining]

i know

i'm sorry

look don't worry about any of this, you've already got so much going on
it's okay

[extent]

i'm not going to not worry about it, nate, you know that

[guylining]

i'm just not trying to put more on you

talk to him yourself? see what you think

[extent]

and i keep saying i want to know anyway

i dont know if what i think matters that much here. i didn't know him before, you're the only one who did. if you think he's got it under control, i mean you're the expert

[guylining]

i do

i worry about being blinded by how much i want that to be true

but everything i've seen tells me it is true. at least right now

[extent]

im not going to pretend like i don't wish you were taking a bit more time with this

but i want it to be true too. so if you're right, everythings great, and if youre not. we can just deal with that if it comes

[guylining]

i get why
and i meant to, like. i was planning to

i just missed him
and he was right there and it just seemed crazy to me

like you know what this place is like, it could take him away again next month. i don't want to waste time

but that's not to say i'm not gonna watch out for changes. ineroth still scares me more than anything. if that control is broken, i need to know.

[extent]

please dont like
not talk to me about this stuff just bc theres a lot going on

[guylining]

i wish it wasn't happening all at once
i don't want to make everything about me

[extent]

thats not making everything about you, thats just sharing your shit
even if the whole city was being blown to bits i'd still want to know what was going on w you

[guylining]

yeah. i would too, i'd want to know what was up with you

[extent]

do you think i'm making everything about me, when i talk to you about the stuff going on in my life?

[guylining]

no

no, you're right.

i feel like i'm scrambling to keep up every day.
i'm not used to this
like for years and years i had exactly one problem and it was just me and thorn dealing with it

now there's crowds of people and dozens of problems that i don't have answers to and on top of that it's still just strange to me to be here again
it's strange being in a real living world again
i look at my clothes and feel this disconnect from who i used to be
i can't imagine performing again.

and now caliban just died in front of me
if that had happened before i fell asleep i'd be in a tailspin right now.
how can i fit right back into my old life when i don't feel like that guy anymore?

that's what my head looks like rn
i'm just trying to push it all aside while i deal with all the other shit that's always going on

[extent]

you don't have to be that guy anymore

nate is who you are now, you don't have to try and force yourself back into a shape that doesn't fit any more. it's going to take time to find a new normal, but no one expects you to just fall right back into place
and if they do i'll tell them to fuck off

you'll figure out your new rhythm here and what that looks like, its only been a few weeks and you were gone for years
i know you know this but you put so much pressure on yourself
its ok to not have it all figured out right now