extent | duplicitynet

[ Maybe it had looked like that. A punishment, a reaction, a way to make Nick feel bad. It hadn't been any of that. He doesn't look at Nick again. Nick looks so vulnerable in general that it seems unfair to put the intensity of eyes on him too.

He sighs. ]

I don't want space. I don't need space, from you. I wasn't trying to do that, I just thought if I slept here less, than it wasn't always a guarantee I'd be here. So maybe you wouldn't leave home to avoid me again.

[ He takes a breath. ]

It's always me you want to avoid. It doesn't matter if it's because I've done something, or you've done something, or something happened to one of us. The answer is always you...skipping this place, to avoid me. I'm the one you can't deal with when things go any kind of wrong.

I hate that. So I was trying to make it not be a thing.

One time, it was you. [ there's no point in sugar coating it, when it's so plainly true, when after michael had died nick could barely stand to be in a room with the person that didn't know him from a stranger. ] One time, I thought I was...doing the right thing. Most of the time it's just...all of this. I don't--

[ this feels like the sort of conversation that he should have chewed through with caleb first, who is acutely able to take in nick's ramblings and pick out the points that actually make sense, translate them into something more coherent, but then he hadn't planned on talking to michael at all today. ]

I've never done this. Living with someone. Relationships. Families. I've spent a year trying to figure out how to do it, how to be like, a person, that does these things and it's normal for them, and I still don't know. But like, when it's that--when it's bad, it's everyone. It's me. I'm the problem. Not you.

[ Michael doesn't think it was him just one time. Admittedly, that time had been the hardest, when he was dealing with the fact that he died and spent more time worrying about what the hell was up with Nick. That time, he'd been tempted to move out. Nick had been so adamant that he shouldn't do that. He'd thought that what he was doing now would be a compromise, of sorts, but it seems like that isn't working either. ]

Neither have I. I don't even live in a house back home, I just...

You and Kyle, you're the couple. I hate feeling like I'm chasing you away from him just by being there. I always think that I should be the one to leave, not you.

So you tell me, Nick, what makes it easier for you? What does, if it's not this?

Edited 2022-06-08 15:36 (UTC)

We're not the couple. What about you and him?

[ nick feels distinctly like he'd like the couch to open up and swallow him whole, honestly. any kind of heavy conversation starts to ache after a while, and this one has hurt from the beginning. but there's a whole point being made about running away, so it wouldn't do very well to shrink away and disappear right now. instead he just flops his head back on the cushion behind his back, directs his eyes up at the ceiling instead. ]

I don't get why me leaving to give you guys space after a really fucked thing came out and everyone was understandably hurt is running away, even when I try and tell you that's not what I'm doing, but whatever you're doing right now is--what, different? It's not.

[ Alex had said something like that, too. What about Michael and Kyle. Kyle has said Michael was important, too. That just never tracks, he never thinks of himself as on that level. Why would he? He doesn't matter like Nick matters.

Something about that is self-defeating, and he knows it. Is it really different? He hesitates, turning words over in his head and frowning a little. ]

We didn't need space, we needed you. Even if it was just...to be pissed with you for a minute. We were worried about you.

I wasn't trying to run away, I was trying...to stop being an obstacle for you. Will it make you happier if I'm here more, again? I just don't want to be the thing that you stop coming home for.

Even if you weren't home, I still wouldn't have been here. I like, I didn't see anyone.

[ the truth is, nick has never really stopped feeling like he's walking on eggshells since, he's just less solitary about it now. the ceiling doesn't hold any more answers for nick than his knees did, but he still stares away like he's trying to find something.

conversations like this make him miss hard drugs, but he's pretty sure that snorting something mid-chat would go down like a lead balloon, and he's not actually trying to be inflammatory. he's just tired. sad. ]

It doesn't really matter what it makes me, I'm not going to force it. You don't want to be here.

[ Nick's looking at the ceiling. Michael has turned to look back at Nick. After a moment, he reaches over and lifts Nick's hand, then pulls it over to rest gently between both of his. Nick likes touch, Michael knows that. He was always a ready hugger, far more than Michael has ever been. He's been so gathered up against himself throughout this. Michael just wants to break that pattern. ]

That's what I thought about you. You didn't want to be here.

You're wrong, I do want to be here. I just don't want to drive you away again. I thought I was making that easier. If I wasn't, then I don't have to go again. I want us to be a family.

[ They used to be. He was happy, when they were. ]

[ he's doing alright at holding it together--maybe not well, considering he hasn't looked at michael ever since the conversation shifted, but it's still together. but michael reaches over, and nick feels his throat close up so quick it could practically be an allergic reaction. his eyes well up, and he screws them quickly shut, like it's not happening if it can't be seen. ]

I hate it. I hate you not being here.

[ he can hear the strain in his voice and it disgusts him a little, but he grabs hold of michael's hand and squeezes fiercely, latched on tight like a lifeline even as the rest of his body holds the same position. ]

I don't want you to come back just 'cause I'm fucking sad about it. I want you to be happy, it's like, it's okay if that doesn't include me any more.

[ Michael heard the crack in his voice, and it broke his heart. He never wanted to make things worse for Nick. He never wanted to punish him or make him feel unwanted. He squeezes his hand back now, and turns to look at him. ]

I love you. [ Maybe he should've said that from the start. We tell the truth to the people we love. ] It's always included you. I was trying to do something that helped and I guess it did the opposite. It never meant I don't want to be around you.

I love you.

[ it sounds like it hurts, the way nick says it, and on some level that's really frustrating, because nick decided very early on that he wasn't going to make michael feel bad about anything. he just feels--manipulative, even if all he's doing is expressing some emotion — and trying very hard not to, at that.

but michael has his hand and nick blinks rapidly up at the ceiling a few times, willing it all to settle down for a moment so that he can actually look over at michael without looking like a wet, watery mess. he's not very successful. ]

I just wanna do what's right for you, that's all, so like- I don't know. I thought that was you...telling me what you wanted.

[ Michael shakes his head. That wasn't what he wanted. He squeezes Nick's hand, and pulls it over to rest between both of his. ]

No. I was just trying to make this a place you didn't wanna run away from when things got hard.

[ He takes a breath, and then deliberately shifts closer to Nick, so that their legs are touching. ]

Listen. I was mad at you about how you kept William a secret. You shouldn't have done that, it means I can't keep you safe. But that doesn't...mean that I don't want to be around you or that I don't care about you anymore. None of that's true.

I'm sorry I made you think it.

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