extent | duplicitynet

i am okay. like, it wasn't great, dont get me wrong. i feel like, some kind of way about seeing that cell again

but i'm okay.

Doesn't make me worry less.
Not just for you even, though the whole love thing means you first.

[ It's a cheap attempt at a joke. ]

I know my mind ran rampant imagining what you went through but seeing it like that was something else entirely.

I admit, it scares me. He scares me.

please don't be.

i know that video was fucked up but he's not like
he's not dangerous
you know what this place is like, you know when they hand out a punishment we don't have a choice

Why is he being punished though like this? What brings on these punishments?

I was punished once that hurt you and Michael. And when I saw that bitch celebrating killing someone I loved, I locked myself away to never try and do it again so I wouldn't risk either of you.

Nick, I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen someone brutalized like that publicly and twice were him.
I can't help how much that scares me for you and Dick and everyone else.

How am I not supposed to be scared when my brain keeps seeing you in that video and I'm terrified it was worse.

i know. i know, it's fucked up, but its not like
i dont want you to think that's who he is.

i think

( god, he doesn't know if this is the worst suggestion in the world, but nick types and deletes a few times, undecided, before he finally hits send. )

i think i need to show you it. mine. i'm not going to pretend it's not bad, but i think whatever you could imagine will always be worse than reality.

you should know what actually happened.

Nick, how can you be sure that isn't who he is?

[ He hates having to ask that but he spent months defending Elijah's every action, every abuse, and in the end, he realized how bad things were.

But there isn't an answer right away to the next part of the texts because while Kyle's mind has been racing, he hadn't thought to go back and see the one with Nick. ]

What happens if when I see that video I can't stand the sight of him?
What if I can't stand the thought of him touching you after I see you hurt by him?
Losing you because I watched it is not something I'm ready for.

[ Because, in the end, he already worries he's damaging their relationship coming to him about his fears and worries.

He knows Nate loves him, he has no doubt of that, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love Logan as well. ]

you don't have to watch it. honestly i don't really know how i feel about that, but i dont want to like

i dont want you to keep imagining scenarios more awful and violent until you can't stand the thought of him anyway
i dont know what the solution to that is. but like

please don't ask me to choose.

I wouldn't do that, Nick. You know that.

Besides, you never ask something you don't know the answer to.

But I also felt you needed to know my concerns and how worried I am. I can keep things to myself though if it's better that way.
You have a right to ask we not discuss things.

i get it. i really do, i know you're worried, and like after that video and everything
i know how it looks. i know what people must think of him, and i just like

he hates himself enough i don't want anyone else doing it too

I'm not hating him.
I'm worrying about you and Dick and anyone else hurt in his path.

No one likes it here, or likes what this place makes us do, but that doesn't mean we need to risk others.

Your safety is the most important thing in my heart and mind.
Dick's safety. Michael. Alex. And dozens of others who I care about and who I want to see safe and will do whatever I have to here to do my part to see that they are safe.

I wish he would do the same. For you, Nick. And others.

But that's my two cents, okay? That's me telling you I love you and yeah, I'm scared for you. I can keep it to myself from now on if you'd rather.

sorry, it's not
you can talk about this. you should talk about this, and anything else that worries you

it's just like historically every time i've had these sorts of conversations with people
about logan i mean
it always ends up a massive fight and i dont want to fight with you

I don't want to fight with you either. It's the last thing I want. Ever.

But I also get why others are worried and why they're upset. And I get why it bothers you.
I've been on both sides of this, okay?

All I'm asking you to do is try and look at things objectively. Look at it from the other side - how me and Ragnor and Michael are seeing things.
We all fight with ourselves for the sake of protecting others in this place and you deserve that. Dick and others deserve that.

No one is trying to have these talks to hurt you but because we feel for you so deeply its hard to not want to protect you. From yourself and from others.

i love you
i promise i hear you, i'm listening.

and i promise you if there's ever a situation where i think it might end badly, or i might end up getting hurt, or tangled up in some city shit, i'll get out of there, even if it's logan.

but you also need to know that i'm going to go over there later, to see him.

Nick, by the time the situation is in a bad place, you'll have no way out. This city didn't let it happen last time, did it?

And if he ever is actually looking for volunteers for his bad behavior rather than getting those nearby grabbed and punished with him? Do I have to say that you are not to volunteer?

[ He knows he hadn't the first time, but he also knows Nick insisted on being there for Kyle's punishment. He had done all he could with his to make it about them, to take care of them. He's not sure he could have lived with himself if he had done what Logan had. Not once but twice now. ]

I want to say no. I want to plead with you not to.
I trust you though, Nick. Both to keep your word and to think about what I've said and to think about why Ragnor, Michael and I feel the way we do.

i know. but i can't promise the city won't ever pull the kind of shit that it does, i can only control my own actions. so as long as i have any kind of say in it, i promise you, i'll get out.

for what it's worth, he wouldn't ask that of me.

i just ( god, the whole situation is awful, and nick doesn't know if he'll ever shake the anxiety response from seeing the realignment cell again--but the reality is, he's not the same person from all those months ago. he's different, his relationships are different. ) i love him, kyle. i do.

i will do everything i can to keep myself out of harm's way, i swear. i'm not going to go looking for trouble. but i can't not see him.

[ Unlike other parts of this talk, it's more than a few minutes before Kyle manages a reply. ]

And I love you. More than I can find words for.

I don't think you understand how much I feel these words, and I understand them. Maybe more than anyone else you have to talk about this with, I understand. I know what you're feeling.

And I know how bad it got. I know how bad it can be. I've said some of these things word for word. I've cried them to my former best friend and had this exact same talk with Michael.

And I would have pointblank said the same thing, that he wouldn't ask, while avoiding saying I would never do that. Because I did it, Nick. I looked him in the eye and said do it after he ripped out my throat and fed me his blood.

So never think me coming to you comes from anything but a place love and desperate need to protect you because I know, Nick. I've been there, and I want better for you.

( it's an unpleasant comparison, the sort that leaves an unpleasant taste in nick's mouth and not one he wants to think about — but it's not hard to see why kyle is making it. he understands why he's linked the two situations, as much as he dislikes the thought. )

i know just saying "this is different" is what anyone in that situation would say, i'm sure you probably said it. i've probably said it about shitty people before.

he's more than those incidents. i'm not going to make excuses for whatever role he played in them happening, or try and say it isn't reckless, or dangerous, testing this place. that's a whole conversation i don't even really know how i feel about yet and its way more complex than i can really think about right now.

i know you're worried, and i don't know if i can say anything that'll make that go away. i'm not dismissing it, i really do get it. but if you can trust me, that i'll do whatever i can to keep myself safe, that i'll tell you the second i'm worried, or scared, i hope that'll be enough for now.

[ Kyle knows they're not the same. He knows that one was a sadist and the other just lacks follow through and consideration for those around him. It's only that difference that leaves Kyle able to have this talk as they are. ]

Nick, I know they're not the same type of person. I do know that.

But I also know loving someone enough to do what you can for them, and I know the man you are. You insisted on being there when I was cited, and it's why I will do whatever I can for that to never, not ever, happen again.

Just know that I'm thankful you do recognize that, even if you're not ready to have that talk yet. Just know when you are, I'm here for you to figure out how you feel, or how to work through it.

But in the end, my concern in this is you. My love is yours. So while you know what there is more to him? What I have is the image of you being the next one being whipped within an inch of your life.

I'm trying though to be understanding, Nick, I always have. I just want you to think about where we stand and why we're feeling the way we are. And no, I haven't talked to Ragnor about this, but I have talked to Michael to make sure he's okay.

It has to be enough, doesn't it? For all that we have this new part of our relationship, it only goes as far as you want to actually listen to the rules. It's why I'm not making it a rule. I am asking you to think about the bigger picture here and to try and at least empathize with why others are worried.

Because I'm doing that for you, Nick.

[ But it's also why he's terrified. He's been there, and he knows. Even if the men they love and have loved are not the same in the end. ]

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