extent | duplicitynet

( nick is up on the kitchen counter, caught between picking at a sandwich and flicking through the device sat in front of him, but when ragnor walks through the front door he quickly raises a hand. )

Hey, ( he tilts his head, a little curious but not overly worried. ) what's going on?

Finish eating first, you are going to hate this conversation.

[ ragnor is not tense, exactly, but he is very braced for the yelling he knows is coming. he knows how much nick hates being called out on his choices.

but he also knows nick is working through a depression and constantly worried about fucking up, ragnor cares about him, he can't just let go of what looks very much like a deliberately self-destructive choice. ]

Uh.

( well that very much doesn't sound like a good time. nick shovels what's left of one half into his mouth, picks up the plate and dumps what is left behind him. he's still chewing as he gestures for ragnor to elaborate, and while his mouth is full enough that he can't speak he scoops up his device and shoves that into his pocket too. )

I'm done. Why am I going to hate this?

I saw you with Logan at the car wash.

[ he'd thought maybe it had been the drugs, but there had been a familiarity in the way he'd seen nick approach the older man. and ragnor has never met logan, never even exchanged a word with him, for all he knows logan is a perfectly decent man.

but there was an ease there that he couldn't help to find alarming, a lack of care, which he's sure nick has encouraged. but nick encouraging something doesn't mean he should be getting it. ]

( oh. that's why he's going to hate this.

unsurprisingly, nick tenses defensively almost right away. he could have guessed something like this was going to happen — actually he kind of did, it just didn't seem all that important at the time. now though, he brushes idly at a few crumbs on the counter top and stares down at it, opening and closing his mouth a few times before he actually says anything. )

And a bunch other people too, are we going to talk about all of them?

I somehow doubt you'd been deliberately hiding any of the others.

[ after nick's reaction it is obvious that it has been going for a while. there's something very close to annoyance nagging at ragnor because he's been spending time with nick, he's doing his best to help him, and it is troublesome that he would keep this from him.

if he's been hiding something this big then surely he's hiding other, smaller things. ]

I don't tell you everyone I've ever fucked, you know.

( and that's not a lie. it's just that he very much has been deliberately keeping the whole logan situation under wraps from everyone, not least of all ragnor, who he'd probably otherwise tell.

just because ragnor's right doesn't make nick any less irritated about it though, and he raises his eyebrows in challenge as he finally drags his eyes away from the stretch of counter in front of him and up to ragnor, chewing at the inside of his cheek before he speaks. )

You don't need to worry about it.

I am worried about it!

[ he is actually agitated, not angry, although he wants to be. but definitely more upset than nick's seen him before.

he meets nick's eyes, breathes in, rubs the bridge of his nose. tries again. ]

You could have told me.

[ there are many layered problems here. and one of many is ragnor now has to reassess where he stands with nick. he thought he knew, he'd trusted they were making progress, and this puts him on shaky ground. ]

( nick spends a lot of time worrying about what people think about him — and specifically a lot of time worrying about what the people he likes think about him, which is part of the reason he went to great lengths to keep it from people in the first place.

he has a brief moment of panic where he thinks this is the thing that finally pushes ragnor too far, but it's stamped out quickly in a wave of frustration that sees him gesturing dismissively and climbing down off of the counter top. )

Oh don't. It would have just been more "Nick you're making bad choices, Nick you're only doing this to get a reaction, Nick what are you doing with your life". Why would I talk about it?

Because now it is a much bigger issue.

[ he's never been dishonest with nick, and he's not about to start now. caring is a nightmare, self-awareness is also a nightmare. ]

A month ago or whenever this started, it would have been just that. Me telling you it was a monumentally bad idea, trying to discourage you from pursuing it. But now it is a series of bad ideas, plus knowing you hid it. And now I have to wonder what else you aren't telling me? How many more bad ideas are you keeping from me?

[ the anger is still there, under the very restrained, calm tone of voice. ]

If I have not earned your trust by now, will I ever? Because I don't think I can do better.

You think all my ideas are bad, how am I supposed to know which ones I'm supposed to tell you about?

( a number of them, he suspects, are exactly the sort of thing that ragnor would want him to talk about. that grates at him uncomfortably, because he feels like he's probably in the wrong and he doesn't like it. instead he just busies himself dumping the last of the sandwich in the trash, rinsing off the plate, all the while snapping in a sharp, frustrated tone. )

It's not about you, Jesus Christ. I already tell you, fucking— ninety per cent of shit, I don't tell anyone else. Sometimes I just want to do shit and not explain myself, it's not a big deal.

You know damn well what you should tell me about.

[ that's the tone he was expecting from nick from the start so at least that's not a surprise. ]

I can't help you if I don't know what I'm helping you with, and I have to consider the possibility I'm not helping you at all, if all I'm doing is enabling you to believe you are getting better solely because you can bring yourself to talk about your smaller problems for ten minutes once a week.

[ there is a lot of frustration there. has he just been enabling nick this entire time? he gives nick what he wants and then nick leaves and makes bad choices behind his back, and tells himself it's fine because he did homework earlier?

ragnor leans against the counter and scrubs at his face with his free hand. this is why he doesn't help people, he's bad at it. ]

So don't.

( the response comes out too fast, too loud, and he regrets it almost as soon as he says it, but rather than pull back nick just scowls, doubles down. he moves to the other side of the counter like he's seriously considering leaving, but it's mostly just because he feels better with the option of the hallway at his back. like he could storm off, if he wanted to. )

Stop trying, if it's that hard! Jesus Christ, you didn't sign a contract, I'm not forcing you to do shit.

I want to help you.

[ these are dangerous waters. he knows nick could pull away and then ragnor wouldn't be able to get him back, but then maybe he's never actually had him, and he just didn't realize. ]

But I can't if you don't talk to me.

[ he won't enable nick's poor choices. some people want to self-destruct, and of nick turns out to be one of those ragnor doesn't want to be close enough to watch it. ]

I do, I talk to you all the time. I tell you more than I tell anyone.

( he feels backed into a corner, caught in a position where the only way forward is to admit that he's been deliberately withholding information to suit his own purposes. because it's exactly what he's been doing and nick knows it, but actually admitting that—

it's too much, it's far too much, and he bites his tongue to hold back a nasty snap. not hard enough though, because he shoves his hand through his hair and keeps going, a little desperate, a lot frustrated. )

Sometimes I just want to do things and not feel bad about it for once, not everything is a cry for help.

You promised you would do better.

[ and this is not better. this is worse, not just logan but whatever other things nick has been hiding.

ragnor breathes out. there's... a lot he could be telling nick right now, but then the handful of times he's tried being vulnerable at him, nick's reacted less than positively, and ragnor is not in the habit of asking people to punch him in the face. ]

I know you know hiding an ongoing sexual relationship with a man who raped you isn't better.

( nick reacts like he's been slapped, and there's a long moment where he doesn't say anything at all. he looks a little like he's going to scream, or throw up, or cry. maybe all three.

it passes quickly, and instead he just takes a few rapid steps back. )

Well I'm not going to do better, so give it up.

( the words come out tight and shaky, and his hands flex at his sides like he can't decide if they're better off balled into fists or not. )

If that's what you're waiting for you might as well just go now.

[ ragnor does react, taking two steps towards nick immediately, reaching for him while at the same time fully expecting nick to shrug him off. ]

I'm not leaving.

[ not unless nick kicks him out. he came here out of concern, and he knew he'd get a fight, but he didn't come here to break anything. ]

Don't.

( he backs off again, quick steps backwards that match up with ragnor's. he doesn't actually think he's going to have to physically push ragnor away but his hands come up anyway, a reflex that comes with ominous creaking from a few points around the house. )

You don't get to throw that shit in my face, it's not some— damn argument slam dunk.

[ when nick steps back again, ragnor makes no attempt to move any closer. he drops his hands to his sides instead. he can be reasonable and objective, or he can at least try looking like he is. ]

I'm worried about you, I thought saying it out loud would make you see why.

[ it is unarguably an extremely alarming thing for someone to be doing. he thought maybe nick had never quite thought about it in those words since nick isn't particularly fond of thinking about his actions. ]

It makes you look like an asshole.

( nick is vaguely aware that he's probably having some kind of panic attack, which is very frustrating when he's trying to make a point about just how fine he is right now. not that he ever expected to do a convincing job of that with ragnor, but it would be significantly easier if his hands would just stop shaking for a moment. )

I don't owe you an explanation, it's none of your business.

[ ragnor notices the shaking, and nick's breathing, and he's had enough anxiety spikes in his life to know what's happening. ]

I am an asshole. I've been very forthcoming about it.

[ the words come easily enough. his tone softer, he knows nick is afraid of losing him, he also knows nick probably doesn't know that consciously.

but a change in tone might be enough to reassure him. it might also give him a second wind and get him yelling again, but it's worth the risk. ]

And I'd like an explanation regardless.

You don't get an explanation.

( the thing is, he sees it for what it is. the attempted deescalation, like ragnor's trying to calm a spooked animal, and part of him wants it to work. part of him seriously considers snapping his mouth shut and backing off, and he can see the whole scenario out where he cries and ragnor hugs him, and nick pulls together the matted web of an explanation that actually makes some kind of sense, and they both move on.

instead, nick jerks his hand at the door, expression twisting into something visibly pained even as he keeps stoking that anger. )

You don't get to walk in here and demand answers for every single aspect of my life and tell me I'm not trying hard enough for not telling you every single thing. I'm so fucking done with this, go find someone else to judge.

[ ragnor is already exhausted. he knows he can try harder but part of him doesn't want to, part of him wants to let nick push him away and go home and get drunk. he can't give putting his best foot forward if nick isn't remotely willing to put some effort in as well.

but nick does try sometimes, and this is only the latest thing in what is a collection of poor coping mechanisms, and nick doesn't have centuries worth of mistakes pushing him to try harder. so he breathes out, tries to find some semblance of calm. ]

I won't let you make this into something it's not. You have been lying to me for weeks, months. You are angry you were caught. I'll be available whenever you're ready to have an actual conversation about it.

[ and maybe this will be it, maybe nick will never want to have a conversation about it and never approach him again, and ragnor will have to watch him self-destruct from a distance. or maybe he's being melodramatic, ragnor does have a knack for that, maybe nick will decide to text an apology and show up for their next session and things will work themselves out.

he doesn't think that's likely, being a catastrophizer, but it's a possibility.

either way, he's heading out the same way he came in, no magic. a walk might do him good anyway. ]

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