extent | duplicitynet

I want to help you.

[ these are dangerous waters. he knows nick could pull away and then ragnor wouldn't be able to get him back, but then maybe he's never actually had him, and he just didn't realize. ]

But I can't if you don't talk to me.

[ he won't enable nick's poor choices. some people want to self-destruct, and of nick turns out to be one of those ragnor doesn't want to be close enough to watch it. ]

I do, I talk to you all the time. I tell you more than I tell anyone.

( he feels backed into a corner, caught in a position where the only way forward is to admit that he's been deliberately withholding information to suit his own purposes. because it's exactly what he's been doing and nick knows it, but actually admitting that—

it's too much, it's far too much, and he bites his tongue to hold back a nasty snap. not hard enough though, because he shoves his hand through his hair and keeps going, a little desperate, a lot frustrated. )

Sometimes I just want to do things and not feel bad about it for once, not everything is a cry for help.

You promised you would do better.

[ and this is not better. this is worse, not just logan but whatever other things nick has been hiding.

ragnor breathes out. there's... a lot he could be telling nick right now, but then the handful of times he's tried being vulnerable at him, nick's reacted less than positively, and ragnor is not in the habit of asking people to punch him in the face. ]

I know you know hiding an ongoing sexual relationship with a man who raped you isn't better.

( nick reacts like he's been slapped, and there's a long moment where he doesn't say anything at all. he looks a little like he's going to scream, or throw up, or cry. maybe all three.

it passes quickly, and instead he just takes a few rapid steps back. )

Well I'm not going to do better, so give it up.

( the words come out tight and shaky, and his hands flex at his sides like he can't decide if they're better off balled into fists or not. )

If that's what you're waiting for you might as well just go now.

[ ragnor does react, taking two steps towards nick immediately, reaching for him while at the same time fully expecting nick to shrug him off. ]

I'm not leaving.

[ not unless nick kicks him out. he came here out of concern, and he knew he'd get a fight, but he didn't come here to break anything. ]

Don't.

( he backs off again, quick steps backwards that match up with ragnor's. he doesn't actually think he's going to have to physically push ragnor away but his hands come up anyway, a reflex that comes with ominous creaking from a few points around the house. )

You don't get to throw that shit in my face, it's not some— damn argument slam dunk.

[ when nick steps back again, ragnor makes no attempt to move any closer. he drops his hands to his sides instead. he can be reasonable and objective, or he can at least try looking like he is. ]

I'm worried about you, I thought saying it out loud would make you see why.

[ it is unarguably an extremely alarming thing for someone to be doing. he thought maybe nick had never quite thought about it in those words since nick isn't particularly fond of thinking about his actions. ]

It makes you look like an asshole.

( nick is vaguely aware that he's probably having some kind of panic attack, which is very frustrating when he's trying to make a point about just how fine he is right now. not that he ever expected to do a convincing job of that with ragnor, but it would be significantly easier if his hands would just stop shaking for a moment. )

I don't owe you an explanation, it's none of your business.

[ ragnor notices the shaking, and nick's breathing, and he's had enough anxiety spikes in his life to know what's happening. ]

I am an asshole. I've been very forthcoming about it.

[ the words come easily enough. his tone softer, he knows nick is afraid of losing him, he also knows nick probably doesn't know that consciously.

but a change in tone might be enough to reassure him. it might also give him a second wind and get him yelling again, but it's worth the risk. ]

And I'd like an explanation regardless.

You don't get an explanation.

( the thing is, he sees it for what it is. the attempted deescalation, like ragnor's trying to calm a spooked animal, and part of him wants it to work. part of him seriously considers snapping his mouth shut and backing off, and he can see the whole scenario out where he cries and ragnor hugs him, and nick pulls together the matted web of an explanation that actually makes some kind of sense, and they both move on.

instead, nick jerks his hand at the door, expression twisting into something visibly pained even as he keeps stoking that anger. )

You don't get to walk in here and demand answers for every single aspect of my life and tell me I'm not trying hard enough for not telling you every single thing. I'm so fucking done with this, go find someone else to judge.

[ ragnor is already exhausted. he knows he can try harder but part of him doesn't want to, part of him wants to let nick push him away and go home and get drunk. he can't give putting his best foot forward if nick isn't remotely willing to put some effort in as well.

but nick does try sometimes, and this is only the latest thing in what is a collection of poor coping mechanisms, and nick doesn't have centuries worth of mistakes pushing him to try harder. so he breathes out, tries to find some semblance of calm. ]

I won't let you make this into something it's not. You have been lying to me for weeks, months. You are angry you were caught. I'll be available whenever you're ready to have an actual conversation about it.

[ and maybe this will be it, maybe nick will never want to have a conversation about it and never approach him again, and ragnor will have to watch him self-destruct from a distance. or maybe he's being melodramatic, ragnor does have a knack for that, maybe nick will decide to text an apology and show up for their next session and things will work themselves out.

he doesn't think that's likely, being a catastrophizer, but it's a possibility.

either way, he's heading out the same way he came in, no magic. a walk might do him good anyway. ]

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