extent | duplicitynet

I'll bring up something strong.

ok, let me just uh
deal with the door 2 seconds

[ Michael goes to get a couple of beers, and then thinks better of it, and grabs whiskey instead. It's what he'd want. He goes up and knocks on the door. ]

Just me.

( nick doesn't bother with the ceremony of looking cheerful, but he's still keeping those emotions well and truly at bay. he just tilts his head for michael to come inside, stepping away from the door and holding a hand out for the alcohol. )

I'm having a bad day.

( that may be the understatement of the year. )

[ Michael puts the bottle into his hand, and follows him into the room. ]

I know.

I've had bad days here. Not as bad as yours, but...I've been injected before.

[ He goes to sit on Nick's bed. ]

You know the worst part? That it made me want what came next. I hated them for that. I still do.

( his mouth snaps shut and nick doesn't really do anything for a moment, buffering while he decides how he's going to respond. ignoring michael entirely would work. kicking him back out of the room probably would too.

nick unscrews the lid, takes a few very long swigs from the bottle in very rapid succession, and drops down heavily onto the bed, too. )

I thought– it was like, it was what I was supposed to be doing.

( he falls silent almost as quickly as he starts speaking, apparently done with sharing for now. but then, that's more than anyone else has gotten out of him so far. )

[ Given his own experience, it doesn't surprise Michael at all. He knows how those drugs twist your perception of reality, how they make you compliant. He leans back on his hands. ]

Yeah. It's effective. Turns your mind around, unmakes you. The violation of that, it's hard to get past.

[ He looks at him. ]

But you will. It'll become a thing you can put away. There'll be times that you think about it, but then it can go away again, and you can keep moving.

It happened before.

( his voice threatens to crack around that, and nick responds by turning away entirely. )

Not the same, but it might as well have been. Except at least then I didn't have to tell anybody.

( it's actually a lot easier with the bottle in his hand, though it's more that it offers an excuse for him to stop talking than anything else. )

Jesus fucking Christ, everyone saw.

[ He says that, and Michael goes cold.

This kid's been through hell here, twice.

He turns on the bed, reaching to put his hand on Nick's shoulder. ]

The worst thing's not when people know. It's when they don't, and you have to deal with it all alone. That's no place to be when you don't have to.

Look at me. I promise you, no one's gonna look at what happened, and think anything bad of you. Don't think that for a second.

I actually think I liked it a lot better when no one knew.

( it's getting more difficult not to sound incredibly angry and bitter as he talks. and it would be fine, nick is pretty sure he's earned the right to be pissed off, if he wasn't trying desperately hard to keep this under wraps.

it's one thing to give up pretending to be happy, it's another thing entirely to let the whole wall come down. his shoulder tenses briefly under the hand, but he turns back to face michael, levels him with a serious gaze. )

You can't tell me that this won't change the way people see me, it already has. Or am I supposed to pretend like we have drinking sessions in my room all the time?

[ Michael tilts his head. ]

You think I wouldn't throw one back with you? Maybe not in this room. The living room's better.

[ He leans back, watching Nick, trying to gauge what he needs. No one should have to go through what he's dealing with right now. ]

This place, Nick...it's a nightmare. Everything about it is. Everything except the people. You find something happy, it takes it away. They'll punish us just for being subs. It's messed up, all of it is. Life sucks.

But you won't do it alone. Anyone comes at you for this, I'll knock them out. That's a promise.

I think you're doing a better job than most at acting like you don't feel sorry for me.

( that's probably not entirely fair. people are concerned and it's not like he doesn't understand why, if it had been anyone else on that video he would probably feel the same way, but it's too much. every time he looks at his device there's someone else being concerned, and he feels like he's going to choke on it soon.

nick slugs from the bottle again, scrubs a hand over his face and then hands it over to michael. )

I'm going to go out for a bit. Clear my head. ( is that what they're calling it these days. ) Can you just...you need to keep an eye on Kyle, he's freaking out. If he does something stupid because of this—

[ Yeah. That's the problem with sympathy. You never want it less than when you need it. Michael knows.

He takes the bottle with a sigh, and then cups Nick's shoulder with his hand. It's a solid touch, not soft or gentle. ]

Don't worry about Kyle. I've got him. He's a big, scary super-strengthy vampire, but my brain'll put him on his ass if it needs to.

Just make sure you don't take the stupid with you. And come home for dinner, I'm making spaghetti.

Kyle...he doesn't really know what happened, I don't think. If you talk about it, I don't care, but uh- I don't want him to watch it.

( there's a whole moment where nick seriously considers staying, maybe even talking. he leans into the hand on his shoulder and thinks about having spaghetti for dinner, and letting the two of them be as concerned and protective as they want to be, and maybe the next day won't look quite so awful after all of that.

it's not going to happen, but it's a nice thought. )

I'll try.

( even as he says it he feels guilty — he knows he's not coming back tonight, what's the point in lying about it? but he doesn't want to get talked out of it and he certainly doesn't want to explain himself, so he just shrugs and hauls himself up off the bed.

...still. )

Someone's gonna know where I am. Just- you know, so people don't worry.

[ Michael squeezes his shoulder, and then stands up with him.

He thinks about leaving it at that, because he knows. Everyone has their own way of dealing with trauma. There is no tried and tested method for it. Everyone has to find the things that help them to survive, and that's all there is to it.

But not everyone makes good choices. And Nick, well, he's already proven he has a good taste for the bad. ]

Nick. I've been there, I've been the guy who runs away. Sometimes that's all you can do.

But don't. Don't be like me. You're wanted, and you're not alone. You'll get through this. And if you need to talk, any time, you have my number. I'm not gonna judge and I'm not gonna freak out on you. Okay?

( nick feels seen in a way doesn't feel great at all, not right now. he's not running away– except he is, quite literally, and it's uncomfortable to have that called out so plainly. even wrapped up in an incredibly thoughtful sentiment.

he hovers for a moment, not doing anything at all, then very quickly turns and wraps an arm around michael's shoulders pulling him into a tight hug. and just as quickly as it happens it's over, nick pulling away before it can last too long. )

Thanks. Like, really. It's just...I appreciate it, that's all.

[ Michael hugs him back, just as tightly, but doesn't resist when Nick pulls away. ]

It's okay.

Just check in. Don't make me have to come looking for you.

[ He ruffs a quick hand through Nick's hair. ]

duplicitynet | inbox

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject