extent | duplicitynet

i know

did it bring up

i mean

are you having flashbacks do you need help with that
it's ok if that's happening

i cant think about my shit i like literally dont have time ive gotta do

i dont know

fuck this is so messed up

nick, i don't want you to

to push this down
that doesn't help, it doesn't make it go away
you've got to let yourself feel it or it'll drown you

there are two things worse than dying
one is waking up again and the other is seeing it all happen to someone you love

and you and kyle, that's where you both are and

i wish i could just feel it instead of you so you don't have to
i'm so sorry

i hear you i do and im gonna but just like

tomorrow

i cant do kyle and me at the same time and he's known the guy for like ever
he's in love with him i cant like

i can't think about my shit right now i need to focus

just because he's known him longer doesn't make anything you're feeling less valid

i don't want you to push your own feelings aside because it's easier to look after him

i want to look after you

if i look at my feelings for even like 3 minutes its all fucking over and i cant afford to do that right now

im i just need to like. i need to stop thinking and get through today and then tomorrow i dont know i can start picking apart whatever the fuck is going on in my head

okay

listen, nick. i love you, and i'm going to be wherever you want me to be okay

i'd like to come over and see you both
and bring food and make sure you actually eat something and all of that

i love you

you can come over, its ok. i want you here

ok

i'm serious about the eating

also if you would like i can stay with kyle for a while and you can sleep or decompress or whatever you want to do

im gonna be honest i dont have like an appetite really right now but i will
eat something probably yes

itll help, i think. if someone else is here. i dont know if i'll sleep but yeah im just
itll be easier

i'm there. you're in the up i take it?

i'm gonna get you through this, i promise

should i bring more blood from haven for kyle?

yeah, we're in the up

shit. thats a good idea. i mean usually we have some in the house but like i dont know how long thats even for, i should know that, its never normally a problem

fuck

it's okay let me worry about that

i can go back for more if i need to

is there anything else i can bring?

fucking
catfood i was going to ask michael to get some after work if the place was still open bc i fucking forgot didnt i but i didnt even text him i was just like oh i'll do it later

not drugs or booze

hey it's okay i can get it

send me a pic of the one they like

dog food too if you need it i don't mind

are you staying sober?

fuck no but if i get high rn im not coming down for like 4 days so atm i guess i am

okay

listen i'm gonna be there really soon and i'll have everything with me

i'll see you really soon

i love you
thank you

i love you
soon, i promise.

[ He comes early in the afternoon, after stopping by Anna's place, and then hitting Haven and the supermarket. There's a bag of blood in one hand, and groceries in the other, and then he ports to Nick's door direct from the elevator. ]

Hey, Nick it's me! Sorry I took a minute. I'm here.

( the house is full of half-completed, aborted tasks, a glass halfway to the fridge that never got a drink, plates on the counter that never made it to the sink, a book on the couch that was opened but never read, and in the middle of all of it is nick, drumming his fingers on his knees and trying to figure out how the hell to proceed.

he gestures the front door into swinging open, though there's not much point because nick gets up a second later anyway. he takes a few quick steps over, then changes his mind and comes to a standstill, arms wound tight across his chest. )

It's okay. Um, Kyle is— I don't think he's sleeping honestly, but maybe he is, I don't know. I think he ran out of steam for the minute.

[ Nate closes the rest of the distance between them. He's aware of the state of the house out of the corners of his eyes, but he doesn't focus on it for now. He just sets his bags down and reaches to pull Nick close to him. ]

I can see him after, then.

[ His fingers flit through Nick's hair. ]

So. Do the cats need fed? Or maybe...

[ He glances around. ]

I could enchant a broom or two, send them off to tidy while we sit?

( it takes a huge effort not to just fold into nate and fall apart, but somehow he manages. nick winds his arms tight around nate, lets out an sigh that shudders more than he wants it to, but he doesn't crack. not yet. there's still too much else to focus on right now. )

Yeah. Yes, the cats, uh— I can do that. I was going to like...sort the place out, I'm just, like...

( he does one of those very careful exhales, tightly measured so that it doesn't become another shudder, that surely will lead to the stranglehold around his chest loosening up enough that he'll end up letting everything out. nick can't do that. he just keeps telling himself, not yet. )

I don't know what to do.

[ Nate holds him tight. That sigh is a painful thing. It sounds like grief, like Nick's working so hard to keep it in that he's almost breaking.

It's not fair. Nick himself is barely back to life, and now he has to see this so soon.

Nate leans back only enough to bring a hand up to the back of his neck. ]

So you do one thing. And the next thing, and the thing after that, and you don't try to run before you walk.

Cats first.

[ He lifts the cat food out of the bag of groceries, and hands it to Nick. ]

Then a bit of magic to get this place clean. Sound good?

The cats.

( nick takes the food but he lingers still, stays close to nate and tangled up as he can be for a moment longer. he draws the moment out with closed eyes, nodding along to nate's calm, simple, clearly laid out plan. on his own, nick had just been pivoting in the middle of a handful of tasks, none of them vital but all of them feeling it, without actually getting anything done.

it's easier, with nate here. it's always easier.

nick pulls back then, sucks in a deep breath and--smiles. it's nowhere near close to his usual casual grin, but nick doesn't falter. he just gestures to one of the hallways leading out of the room, aiming for light in his voice and getting something not teary, at least. it doesn't really matter, nick carefully plucking out a sentence to sound as business as usual as possible, steadfast in ignoring the way his hand shakes. )

They're down here. The dog too, they all just sort of wanted attention at the same time and I kind of—anyway, do you want to come with? I'm pretty sure they both bully Chewie when we're not looking, you can give her a hug while I feed the assholes.

Yeah, of course. Come here.

[ Nate reaches to slip an arm around him while they walk, just to have some level of contact. He thinks Nick needs it, and honestly it's difficult for him to keep his hands to himself while they're together, anyway.

Besides, he can see that shake in Nick's hand. He's doing a good job at pretending to be okay, and Nate honestly wishes that he wouldn't. It would be easier if he could give in to what he's feeling. But until he's ready to do that, Nate will be here giving him as much support as possible. ]

They're probably missing him. They'll smell my cats and Anna's dogs all over me, of course, I hope they won't mind. I'll be getting the cold shoulder off that lot when I go back.

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