extent | duplicitynet

[ It's all too familiar for Logan, but not just because of the kinds of conversations he's had with Nick before that have nudged up against the borders of these feelings, but also because it's the kind of thing he's heard echoing inside his own head too many times to count. Those words have driven him away from the X-Men, from his friends and family, sent him halfway across the globe or down into the bottom of every bottle in sight. Having Nick echo them feels like being kicked in the ribs.

His gaze ticks up from the floor halfway through the short speech. He watches the younger man in silence, thinking about what he'd done in Nick's situation, what he wanted people to do for him. What he'd needed and what he'd denied himself as he ran away from everyone he was so sure he was going to hurt someday.

He lets the silence ring out for a moment or two, then he tips back his own beer and drains it in a few long swallows. Then he sets the empty on the floor and pushes himself to his feet, scraping back the plastic crate. A couple of steps takes him over to Nick. ]

Hey. C'mere. Stand up. [ He doesn't give him much choice about it, reaching down to snag him under one bicep and try to haul him up, pulling him roughly into his arms. ]

( honestly, nick can't really tell if he wants to get up, but he goes with the gesture anyway, and it becomes quite quickly apparent with logan's arms around him that he probably needs this, just a little. nick exhales and it clips off as a shudder, one that he's careful not to let become tears, even if the lump that forms in his throat hurts. from there isn't only a moment before he winds his own arms around logan, latches on tight.

he's been doing well, lately, is the frustrating thing. there's always going to be hiccups, but nick has put more effort into his own state of mind in the last few months than he has his entire life, and it was starting to work. and he knows his therapist would call it catastrophising, but nick really does feel right now, like all of that work has just been tossed out of the window. )

Surprise. ( nick laughs into logan's shoulder. it isn't funny, and it sounds suspiciously wet for someone determined not to cry. ) I was fucked up long before this place got to me.

[ He'd told Dick before, back during what only one of them had labelled a break up, that part of his problem with -- and attraction to -- Nick was because he saw himself in him, his own faults and hurts echoed in his pain, his own mistakes happening again right in front of him. It was, and still is, almost too much, but like any addict he can't persuade himself to stop.

He keeps his own head up as Nick buries his face into his shoulder, turning only a little bit to nudge his nose up against the curve of his skull, inhaling the earthy smells of his magic and shampoo and weary grief. Nick clings to him and his own grip is nearly as hard, like he's afraid Nick will fall if he doesn't hold him up. One hand settles over the back of Nick's neck, holding him close.

When he speaks, his own voice is a little tight around the usual gravel roughness, caught up in that reflected ache. ]

That makes two of us, sweetheart.

Well don't we make a pair.

( it helps. all of it helps, the steady, solid presence around him, the security of the hand on the back of his neck. he's tired of hurting over comments made by a person that doesn't care about him, but it's not as simple as just deciding not to care any more. it's never as simple as that.

but he tries, at least, to focus on the comments that matter. on that's never been how i see you and you're doing so much better and there's plenty of time for you to do more. it's harder, with these old wounds and scars that run far deeper than this city, but nick tries anyway. )

For what it's worth, ( nick mumbles the words, muffled into his shoulder because he's not willing to pull back enough to be any clearer. ) I think you're pretty fucking excellent. Even all fucked up.

[ That gets an amused noise out of him, almost a chuckle on a soft exhale into Nick's curls, breaking some of the tension that's been building up in his shoulders. He shifts his embrace a little bit, but only to get comfortable, not even attempting to let go just yet. ]

Don't think you need to go that far. [ But he appreciates it all the same, even if his gratitude goes unspoken. His free hand slides over Nick's back, stroking him in small movements as he tries to figure out what to say, whether it would be the same thing that he wants to hear. ]

Be better for you if I wasn't all fucked up. [ He turns his head a bit to kiss the curve of Nick's ear, pulling him in tighter, muttering his words into the side of his skull. ] I love you, kid. I'm sorry it ain't easy for either of us. But I don't regret gettin' to know you.

It'd be better for you. It's not about me.

( it sort of is about nick, a lot of the time, and he's more acutely aware of that now than ever. and it's not like nick doesn't adore attention, but the kind he wants is the silly, frivolous, light-hearted stuff. not an aching heart and being held up again, because all that work he's tried to do to be better has gotten flushed down the toilet, again.

and it's not like people don't tell nick that they love him. he hears it a lot, just about daily these days, and that's one hell of a change from the life he's leading back home — from the one he was living six months ago, even. but nick has always felt--less sure, of whatever this situation is with logan. on the good days, it's just an undefined thing and that's all it needs to be. on the bad days, it's nick fighting to convince himself that it's not all one-sided, that the feelings there are mutual, that it's something tangible and not just misery compounded.

so it's significant, to say the least, that logan says it first. )

I'd rather it be hard and still have you. ( he shrugs minutely, like the casual gesture will throw some of the weight off the sentence, and tips his face in towards logan's. enough that he can feel his lips against the side of his face.

he remembers the conversation after his memories came bleeding back into focus, and being so embarrassed at the idea of admitting to having feelings. he's too tired to be embarrassed now, just closes his eyes as he leans in. ) I love you. I'm pretty sure I have for a while. I just...all this shit, you know. I don't want you to feel obligated to fix me, because we got tangled up together.

I know.

[ Whether that's a response to Nick's admission of feelings or his regret, he'll leave it up to him to decide, since it's really both. He murmurs the words against the curve of Nick's jaw, tucking his head a little to take a breath of his scent right over his pulse point. Wolfish, the ultimate gesture of trust, teeth against another's bared throat where the smallest movement could spell disaster.

Logan stays there for a second or two, cataloguing the sensory memory, then lifts his head again, fingers stroking the downy hair on the nape of Nick's neck. ]

I don't wanna fix you. I don't think I could. [ There's sympathy in his tone that undercuts the harshness of his words, the voice of long experience. ] But I can be there while you try. Or when it doesn't go so well. If you want me to be.

Edited 2021-12-15 02:59 (UTC)

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