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user name: nick
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I think if I go back I'm just doing to keep doing exactly what I've been doing for the last five years.

( it's not intended as self-depreciation, just something that feels inevitable to nick. he can't shake the feeling that he's convinced everyone that he's something that he's not, that the version that sits in a dingy little apartment and hasn't done anything more than get high and sleep around is the truth. that whatever it is that he's constructed here is some elaborate lie.

he also knows that the cycle of 'i suck' 'no you don't' isn't going to go anywhere productive for either of them, though. it's very hard to wallow in self-loathing when someone is actively contradicting you. so instead he just drains the glass, wonders vaguely why he didn't start with shots. )

It'll pass, it's fine, I just-- ( nick shrugs, closes his eyes. it's just a little easier to talk, like that. ) I don't...like myself, very much, right now.

[guylining]

[ Nate curls his arm around him, pulling him close. He's quiet for a few minutes, thoughtful and not wanting to say anything trite or dismissive.

His hand rubs gently along Nick's arm. ]

Did you feel this way at home? Like, did you feel bad about yourself for what you were doing, or not doing?

[extent]

A bit.

( nick hasn't said so many honest things about himself in a row in some time. he talks more now, he's trying hard not to just brush off or ignore everything, but he still squirms his way out of these conversations half as often as he engages. he's still out of practice.

but nate's hand on his arm helps, and his leg under nick's head, and nick reaches up until he can find the front of nate's shirt and hold onto it, squeezing tight between his fingers, and that helps too. )

I don't let myself sober up. Like, people think I use a lot here...it's not even close. I would just— wake up, get high, stay high, no matter what I was doing, get drunk as well, pass out, and do it all over again the next day. Because if I wasn't, I started feeling all...of this shit, and I didn't want to deal with it.

[guylining]

[ Nate strokes his hand through Nick's hair while he talks.

He understands this. The need to stay high, or drunk, or both, to escape from all the bits of your life that you can't stand. He lets out a sigh. ]

I used all the time at home. Never saw much wrong with it, really. I never thought I was addicted, and probably wouldn't have cared if I was.

It might not always be like that, though, Nick. I mean, things changed here. They could change at home too, you haven't lived all of that life yet.