I'm pretty sure I've been in love with you my whole life, and I feel like an idiot for only realizing it now. I don't know why I'm even writing this down, except for that I have to put it down somewhere so I don't accidentally say it out loud.
Do you think you'd hate me if I just said it? I keep thinking about what the worst case scenario could possibly be, because I don't even think you'd be an asshole about it. But I couldn't bear it if things change, and I don't know if you'd look at me the same if you knew.
Do you think you'd be able to forget all about it, if I just told you once, and then promised to forget it too? I think I could, if it meant not fucking up us.
Sometimes I look at you and you're already looking at me and I can't help but think maybe there's a reason for that. Sometimes you let me hold your hand and I think why would he do that, if he doesn't feel it too? Sometimes you smile at me and you hardly smile for anyone anymore, but even then it still feels like a smile only I get to see.
Am I going insane? I don't know anymore. Sometimes it feels like everything you do is screaming at me to just tell you, so that you can say it to me too, and then sometimes it feels like the only thing that keeps us like 'us' is because I haven't told you. I don't know how to figure out which part is the delusional one.
Is it really so crazy to think that you might feel the same?
This is really starting to piss me off, actually. I mean it's not your fault, you're not even doing anything, but that makes it so much worse, you know? You're just here fucking existing and what, I'm some lovesick teenager? It's stupid, and I can't even just get high about it because all I do is think about you then, too. I didn't realize my stomach flips every time you walk into the room. That's not even new, how stupid is that? How the hell did I not know sooner, I could have figured out how to put this to bed years ago.
I'm sorry I let it get this far. I'm not going to tell you, it'll just mess everything up, and you'll probably feel guilty like you led me on or something, but you didn't. I've always known what this is, and it's good. I'm happy. I don't need more. I can't tell you though, or you'll never believe me when I say this could be enough.
I think I love everything about you. Is that possible? Even when you do stupid things that piss me off, I think it somehow makes me love you more. I don't understand, it's infuriating that you don't answer your phone half the time, and when you do you send the shitest one word responses more often than not, but then I think about it later and it just makes me think about how present you are when we're together. You're never distracted.
I'm always distracted. I can't stop thinking about a hundred things at once, all of the time, and most of those things are about you. I think about the way your hair ends up in your face when you're sleeping, how warm you are all of the time. I think you kiss me every time you see me lately, and every time you walk out of the room. I'm pretty sure I blushed just because you touched my back as you passed behind me yesterday. You must have noticed, I don't know how you couldn't.
I feel like a mess every time I'm with you now. I wanted to just love you in secret, but it's like the rest of me didn't get the memo. It must be so obvious, I feel obvious. I feel like every time you look at me you must be so close to figuring it out. I'm scared every day that you're just going to ask me if I fell for you. I don't think I'd be able to lie.
Every time I open my mouth I say some dumb shit, and you keep just...staring before you say something back. Do you think it's kinder to just pretend like you haven't? It probably is.
Maybe you haven't figured it out, but it won't stay that way for long if I keep pulling shit like this.
Am I seeing things that aren't there? I really can't tell any more. I want it to be real so badly. Writing it down hasn't helped. Telling Marco didn't help. I keep saying things anyway, but sometimes you say things back too, and it sounds so real.
I thought about burning all these because it's so embarrassing that the words are just there on paper taunting me, but that just feels worse. I need to stop, I'm making an idiot of myself. You don't want to know and that's fine, but part of me wishes I'd just said it once, even if you didn't want to hear it. Isn't that selfish?
I think that's part of the problem. I wish I hadn't even let the conversation get brought up, because I was still holding onto some hope that maybe it wasn't just me, and that's selfish too. You were never obliged to feel the same way just because I did, I know that, but at least when I didn't know I could pretend.
It wasn't fair to you. I wasn't fair to you, really. At least it's done now. You made yourself very clear and I'll figure out a way to get over it, and move on. I won't keep staring at you all the time, and I'm not going to hold your hand unless you want me too, and you don't have to sleep with me anymore, but if you do, I promise I won't think that it means more than it does.
Please don't let things change because of me. I think that's the only thing that I couldn't bear, really.
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