[ the rest of nick's night is spent in a state so pathetic, he's not sure that he'd ever be able to admit it to another soul. in the end when he passes out it's entirely accidental when nick finally passes out, too long spent staring at a door that isn't going to open.
nick is too exhausted to register movement inside the room, doesn't stir at the dip of another body in the bed or the presence next to him. in fact he doesn't respond at all, not until a soft kiss is being pressed into his skin and nick's expression creases a little. what a fucking cruel dream, actually.
nick cracks open eye open, sleepy and not entirely awake at all, and he's so confused, because why the hell would august be here now? ]
Hm?
[ nick sounds like he hasn't slept, voice croaking out, and he brings up his hand to rub blearily at his face, a thousand questions on his lips, but of course none of them come. ]
[it's a slow process made faster. he slips away to the bathroom to douse himself with hot water and soap, entirely unprepared to wash the night off of him and now forced to. he cuts time by rinsing his mouth with some mouthwash left on the counter top, spitting it into the shower's drain. it's only fair, he can't get back into bed with Nick with leftovers all over him. he carved out that space for the two of them and he'd be tainting it.
when he returns he only has a towel wrapped around his waist, leaving his dirty clothes in the bathroom. he's too tired to think about why he's here in Nick's room instead of his own, this time getting under the covers and discarding the towel on the floor. he drapes one arm over whatever part of Nick is closest, nudging in closer until there's no space left.]
[ even after august leaves the room, nick is trying to drag himself back to consciousness. he's half-convinced that he made interaction up entirely, some vicious combination of a dream and wishful thinking, but eventually august comes back and nick has to concede that this is probably happening.
it just doesn't make sense, is the problem, because august is never cruel — and if he is, in moments, it's never to nick — so nick doesn't really understand why he's here, in nick's bed. it's everything he spent hours last night wanting, more than anything, and it's the worst thing that could possibly have happened. ]
Hi.
[ thank god he still looks so tired, it gives him an excuse for why his voice breaks around the word, and nick wishes he was strong enough to roll away, but he can't. he just screws his eyes shut, exhales so slow and careful.
god, he has to get it together. if august is able to act like everything is normal again, surely he can too. ]
I might--go back to sleep for a bit. [ after a brief pause: ] You can stay, though.
[it might be that he spent the last however many hours keeping in tune with two people, or that he's already so in touch with how Nick sounds or the way his energy feels, but he notices something is definitely off. he's not reaching for him or leaning into his touch the way he usually does.
worse, he's not trying to fit into him. drowsily, he partially lifts his head to look down at him.]
Are you okay?
[his voice is so careful, the kind of tone that only happens in the early hours of the morning. he's walked in on Nick sleeping so many times, but this is different.]
[ nick can't possibly fathom how this felt survivable just yesterday. ignorance was bliss maybe, even if he'd thought himself well convinced that this thing of his couldn't possibly be mutual — it was a different beast entirely, to know and still have august right by his side. 'mine' feels a lifetime ago, but then maybe it was always a different case, when august was buried inside of nick.
that's a train of thought he might not ever recover from though, so he quickly shifts onto his side, turning into august even though he knows it's a bad idea, pressing his face into august's neck so that he can avoid his direct gaze. maybe it will muffle his voice too, he desperately needs that right now. ]
I probably just--took too many uppers last night, it's got me fucked up.
[that sounds too close to a lie, but he brings his other arm out around him to tuck him into his body anyway. he can't look at him like this, but he's hearing more emotion than 'tired'. come downs are rough, but Nick usually takes care of those. why wouldn't he this time? he makes a sound, one that says that he's listening but requires little effort to make. then he's kissing the top of his head, resting his nose in his hair.]
Me too.
[Nick is doing everything he can to hide, and while August is exhausted, he's becoming more alert. his gut is telling him not to ignore this, whatever 'this' is. he feels like he's missing something, a piece lost that Nick breathes into his neck. all he wants is to keep him there, but he gingerly leans away, cupping his cheek to urge him to look up at him.]
[ it's the easiest lie in the world to breathe out, offered up by august and nick grabs hold of it immediately. it's not a good one, really, because there's no reason why nick couldn't resolve it on his own, but it's the only excuse he's got right now. what else is he supposed to say, exactly, that he spent the night awake and rereading their conversation so many times that the words stopped looking real?
no, that won't do, so instead nick nods and swallows thickly, a lump in his throat that he can't quite work around. he exhales and it's shaky, pathetic, really. but it just hurts, looking at august, and nick doesn't really know how to make it not. ]
It's- I'm fine, I am. I'm okay, I just need to sleep it off, right?
[Nick answers so quickly, defensive for nothing as far as he knows. it leaves August confused, frustrated even, raw from exhaustion. he stares at him, jaw set. he could ask why he doesn't just take care of the hangover and heal himself, but he's already asked enough. he lets his silence do the talking, gaze hardened with disbelief.
that's as far as he takes it. he places another kiss right below Nick's eye, then to his lips and settles down once again. he strokes his head, fingers entangling themselves in his hair. if Nick wants to keep hiding in the crook of his neck, he'll let him.]
Sleep. I'll take care of you.
[and he will, as much as he'd like to disappear into darkness for the next twelve hours, he'll tend to him. he'll comfort the lows, keep himself in a light sleep so he can wake easily. for whatever reason, he wants to make August think he's coming down, or maybe he is and he's suspicious for nothing. too many thoughts for how early it is, he accepts Nick's words as they are.]
[ nick tries so hard to hold it together, he really does, but somewhere between the feather light kisses to his eyes and his lips, nick cracks. the sharp intake of breath he sucks in is shuddering, but nick screws his eyes shut before anything more damning can leak out.
he's a fucking mess. maybe he should have gotten high, this would all have been much easier with a nice numb buzz to soften the sharp edges. but it's too late for that, and the only thing worse than august being here would be august leaving. he winds his arm around august quickly, like it might distract from everything else nick has going on, pressing up against him. maybe this is the most selfish thing that nick has done, but august came to him, right? he must want some kind of normal. this is normal, or it could be, if nick just figures out how to let it be. ]
Okay. Just--stay, please.
[ he sounds so sad, it's almost too humiliating to finish the sentence, but nick--can't let go, not entirely. not yet. maybe it will be easier later in the morning. maybe he really does just need to sleep it off. ]
[not here in saltburnt, where death is probably inevitable but at least it's reversible. his heart hurts for Nick, for whatever he isn't telling him. he murmurs sweet nothings, looks for ways to solve instead of adding to whatever he's feeling. whispers of what do you need followed by any adjustment of his body to somehow get him closer.
this is the second time August has seen him like this, felt him begin to shatter in his arms. it's times like these where he wishes his magic did something other than destroy. he offers caresses through hair, noses his way into Nick's space to try and kiss him - kiss whatever it is -- better.]
[ a smarter person might have asked for space, even just a day to recover from that devastating blow and get back to normal, but nick has never been a smart man. certainly he's never been able to figure out how to turn down anything that wasn't good for him, if he wanted it enough in the moment.
this probably isn't good for nick, but he's desperate enough to figure out how to get back to normal that he's all too willing to ignore that. if august can act like nothing has changed, then surely nick can too. at any rate, there's no version of events where august kisses nick and nick doesn't kiss him back. so nick kisses him, even though it feels an awful lot like a knife in the tender spot beneath his ribs. the thing is, if he wasn't here it would probably feel so much worse.
nick kisses him until he falls asleep, and when he wakes up a short few hours later he doesn't feel any less tired for it. it's the hardest thing in the world to quietly slip out of bed, but if he lingers too long then august will wake up too, and nick will crack back open all over again. so he gathers up some clothes and changes in the bathroom, quietly tip toes out through marco's room instead, and he waits until he's down the hallway to send august a text. ]
sorry, had something on. stay as long as you want, i'll see you later 💖
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no subject
nick is too exhausted to register movement inside the room, doesn't stir at the dip of another body in the bed or the presence next to him. in fact he doesn't respond at all, not until a soft kiss is being pressed into his skin and nick's expression creases a little. what a fucking cruel dream, actually.
nick cracks open eye open, sleepy and not entirely awake at all, and he's so confused, because why the hell would august be here now? ]
Hm?
[ nick sounds like he hasn't slept, voice croaking out, and he brings up his hand to rub blearily at his face, a thousand questions on his lips, but of course none of them come. ]
I'm— okay. Yeah, go shower.
no subject
when he returns he only has a towel wrapped around his waist, leaving his dirty clothes in the bathroom. he's too tired to think about why he's here in Nick's room instead of his own, this time getting under the covers and discarding the towel on the floor. he drapes one arm over whatever part of Nick is closest, nudging in closer until there's no space left.]
Good morning.
[he is fully expecting to go to sleep right now.]
no subject
it just doesn't make sense, is the problem, because august is never cruel — and if he is, in moments, it's never to nick — so nick doesn't really understand why he's here, in nick's bed. it's everything he spent hours last night wanting, more than anything, and it's the worst thing that could possibly have happened. ]
Hi.
[ thank god he still looks so tired, it gives him an excuse for why his voice breaks around the word, and nick wishes he was strong enough to roll away, but he can't. he just screws his eyes shut, exhales so slow and careful.
god, he has to get it together. if august is able to act like everything is normal again, surely he can too. ]
I might--go back to sleep for a bit. [ after a brief pause: ] You can stay, though.
no subject
worse, he's not trying to fit into him. drowsily, he partially lifts his head to look down at him.]
Are you okay?
[his voice is so careful, the kind of tone that only happens in the early hours of the morning. he's walked in on Nick sleeping so many times, but this is different.]
no subject
[ nick can't possibly fathom how this felt survivable just yesterday. ignorance was bliss maybe, even if he'd thought himself well convinced that this thing of his couldn't possibly be mutual — it was a different beast entirely, to know and still have august right by his side. 'mine' feels a lifetime ago, but then maybe it was always a different case, when august was buried inside of nick.
that's a train of thought he might not ever recover from though, so he quickly shifts onto his side, turning into august even though he knows it's a bad idea, pressing his face into august's neck so that he can avoid his direct gaze. maybe it will muffle his voice too, he desperately needs that right now. ]
I probably just--took too many uppers last night, it's got me fucked up.
no subject
Me too.
[Nick is doing everything he can to hide, and while August is exhausted, he's becoming more alert. his gut is telling him not to ignore this, whatever 'this' is. he feels like he's missing something, a piece lost that Nick breathes into his neck. all he wants is to keep him there, but he gingerly leans away, cupping his cheek to urge him to look up at him.]
Look at me. Are you coming down?
no subject
[ it's the easiest lie in the world to breathe out, offered up by august and nick grabs hold of it immediately. it's not a good one, really, because there's no reason why nick couldn't resolve it on his own, but it's the only excuse he's got right now. what else is he supposed to say, exactly, that he spent the night awake and rereading their conversation so many times that the words stopped looking real?
no, that won't do, so instead nick nods and swallows thickly, a lump in his throat that he can't quite work around. he exhales and it's shaky, pathetic, really. but it just hurts, looking at august, and nick doesn't really know how to make it not. ]
It's- I'm fine, I am. I'm okay, I just need to sleep it off, right?
no subject
that's as far as he takes it. he places another kiss right below Nick's eye, then to his lips and settles down once again. he strokes his head, fingers entangling themselves in his hair. if Nick wants to keep hiding in the crook of his neck, he'll let him.]
Sleep. I'll take care of you.
[and he will, as much as he'd like to disappear into darkness for the next twelve hours, he'll tend to him. he'll comfort the lows, keep himself in a light sleep so he can wake easily. for whatever reason, he wants to make August think he's coming down, or maybe he is and he's suspicious for nothing. too many thoughts for how early it is, he accepts Nick's words as they are.]
no subject
he's a fucking mess. maybe he should have gotten high, this would all have been much easier with a nice numb buzz to soften the sharp edges. but it's too late for that, and the only thing worse than august being here would be august leaving. he winds his arm around august quickly, like it might distract from everything else nick has going on, pressing up against him. maybe this is the most selfish thing that nick has done, but august came to him, right? he must want some kind of normal. this is normal, or it could be, if nick just figures out how to let it be. ]
Okay. Just--stay, please.
[ he sounds so sad, it's almost too humiliating to finish the sentence, but nick--can't let go, not entirely. not yet. maybe it will be easier later in the morning. maybe he really does just need to sleep it off. ]
no subject
[not here in saltburnt, where death is probably inevitable but at least it's reversible. his heart hurts for Nick, for whatever he isn't telling him. he murmurs sweet nothings, looks for ways to solve instead of adding to whatever he's feeling. whispers of what do you need followed by any adjustment of his body to somehow get him closer.
this is the second time August has seen him like this, felt him begin to shatter in his arms. it's times like these where he wishes his magic did something other than destroy. he offers caresses through hair, noses his way into Nick's space to try and kiss him - kiss whatever it is -- better.]
🎀
this probably isn't good for nick, but he's desperate enough to figure out how to get back to normal that he's all too willing to ignore that. if august can act like nothing has changed, then surely nick can too. at any rate, there's no version of events where august kisses nick and nick doesn't kiss him back. so nick kisses him, even though it feels an awful lot like a knife in the tender spot beneath his ribs. the thing is, if he wasn't here it would probably feel so much worse.
nick kisses him until he falls asleep, and when he wakes up a short few hours later he doesn't feel any less tired for it. it's the hardest thing in the world to quietly slip out of bed, but if he lingers too long then august will wake up too, and nick will crack back open all over again. so he gathers up some clothes and changes in the bathroom, quietly tip toes out through marco's room instead, and he waits until he's down the hallway to send august a text. ]
sorry, had something on. stay as long as you want, i'll see you later
💖