[ it's almost second nature for him to shove everything down now, so much that it's hard to do anything else. nick doesn't want to have a breakdown, much less where anyone can bear witness to the whole sorry affair, but somehow the thought of pushing it away and slapping on a fake smile is marginally worse. just barely worse.

it's still hard to let out the shuddering exhale, to squeeze his eyes shut but not actively fight the tears. it's harder when he hears the crack in his voice, like there's something distinctly shameful about audibly struggling. there's an awful lot that nick manages to find shame in these days though, having a rough moment is no exception. ]

I don't know how I get through this. I'm just--tired. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I just want to like...disappear and go live in the woods or something.